Here We Are and There We Were
by LoverofLove
Summary: AU. With one simple moment, your life can change into something unimaginable.  Everything that was once pure and innocent can turn dark and corrupt.  And sometimes, it takes a lot more than time to heal wounds.
1. Shark In the Water

_**Here We Are and There We Were**_

By LoverofLove

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><p><em><span>Chapter 1: Shark in the Water<span>_

Walking down the street made everything seem surreal. I was getting places. Literally, yes, but my life was on a promising road; which is also a pun. The air was clear and breathing in was a natural high. The smile was understandably placed across my face.

Now, there comes a point in your life when you are so completely involved with the world around that you lose any coherent functioning when presented with the unexpected. And that moment for me was right now. But before I continue, it's probably best if we go back to when things started to explode in my life. By the way, my name is Ichigo Kurosaki.

Telling a story is more of an art than people may think. If it's told too quickly, the point is lost. If it's told too slowly, interest goes out the window. You have to be able to capture every movement, thought, and emotion. Without any of that, everything you want the listener to understand is gone. And you are left alone with the true experience. So as I begin to tell my story, my only hope is to no longer feel the loneliness of an untold tale.

"Are you kidding me?"

"What? You said you'd come over and help me. If you aren't going to help, then you're wasting my time."

"Jesus Christ," I spat out as I threw my shoulder into the dresser and began to force it up the stairs with elegance. Drawers flew open while I ran it into the railing a few times.

"Careful! That's an antique! My grandma is going to haunt the crap out of you, moron!"

Stopping dead on my tracks in the middle of the stairs, I stared down at her with what I could only presume was one of my piercing leers. "Well, why aren't you doing this instead of this _moron_?"

She scoffed and then rolled up her sleeves. "Fine," she said pointedly as she made her way up the stairs. Rolling my eyes, I held my arm out to prevent her from coming any further. "Stay out of the way," I replied stoically. "You and I both know you can't lift this piece of junk."

"It's not ju-"

"Yeah, yeah. It's a gem. Now tell me where you want it," I grumbled as she followed me up the stairs. It was the beginning of our fourth year in college. Time was flying by like no one would ever believe. Supposedly we were all already adults, but any one of us could show you otherwise. Mary Jane one night; alcohol another. Flashing strangers one magically evening; bull rushing some poor soul the next. Dance parties every day. Yeah, we were adults.

My best friend, the one person who was attached to my hip throughout my entire college career thus far, was Rukia Kuchiki. She was a quick tempered piece of work. Sometimes she could pull out a serious death glare that made you shrink to one-fourth your own size. Other times, her mind was as feeble as a two year old's. Why she dealt with my sarcastic ass so much, I still have no idea.

"Can you hurry up a bit? We have some place to be," she commanded taping her foot with her arms crossed over her chest. Placing the last piece of furniture down on the floor, a stood up and stared incredulously at her.

"Well excuse me for moving your obnoxiously cat hair coated chair. Try a lint brush every once in awhile, will ya?"

"There's no need to be grumpy now. Let's go. Move your butt!" Rolling my eyes behind her, I followed her out the door.

It had been a long summer. One of my best friends at home, Mizuiro, got engaged to his high school sweetheart in early June. They had been dating for seven years at this point, so it was only a matter of time in my opinion. I worked at my father's manufacturing company for those few months. Answering phone calls, filing, mail, etc. It was simple enough. Plus, it got me some hands-on business experience. That works out great for an advertising major, right?

Above everything else, the summer was drama-filled. The reason? Senna; my ex-girlfriend from high school and halfway through college. We broke up two years ago and all of a sudden, after having no contact for two years, she decides to pop up. I'm not a fan of Jack-in-the-box. Never have been. The clown thing creeped the hell out of me. So whenever people decide to hideout for a long period of time and then suddenly jump back into my life, it makes me uneasy. It started off as a random message wishing me a happy birthday. I, of course, replied with a thank you. I didn't want to be rude. Also, I wasn't holding a grudge or anything, so why not?

It was then that I made the mistake. By replying to her, it implied that I wanted to continually talk to her. It led to questions about how our lives were going, how school was, how our families were, etc. I couldn't _not_ answer her. I have a weird conscious for some things. We eventually met up to have coffee and that's when I realized it. She was trying to get back with me. It took me awhile, but when she was directly in my face and leaning in for a kiss, yeah, it was pretty clear. Since turning my head to give her the kiss on the cheek move, I've kept our conversations to a minimum and vague. I didn't know what her game was, whether it was a summer fling or something serious, but I wanted to avoid it. She was the girl that tore my heart in two. A guy has to remember what crazy chick messes him up; otherwise they'll end up full circle.

"Well, look who decided to show up," I heard a familiar voice say as we walked up the steps of my home for the year. "Twenty minutes late. Looks like Renji won the pool."

"You guys seriously took bets on how late we would be?" I asked in annoyance as I stared up to the balcony. Uryuu Ishida, the man I always go to if I need to think in reason. He calms me down whenever I get too frazzled. He has his sarcasm and quick wit that I love to rival with. I met him the first year of college, like most of my housemates. We're closer than ever.

"If it helps, Renji only won because he said you guys were doing the naughty," Uryuu decided to add.

"How would that help?" I exclaimed.

"Ha! In his dreams…" Rukia replied as she walked past me through the entrance. I glared at her back as she disappeared.

"Can you just get in here already? I need my beer pong partner. Let's kick this year off by partying our asses off!"

"To the point where we don't remember kicking it off so we have to do it all over again?" I added with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow.

Uryuu grinned. "This is why we're friends."

Walking into the house, I was welcomed with the image of Renji trying to charm Rukia as he leaned on the counter with his elbow propped up so his chin could rest on his fist.

"You know the invitation's always open," he finished with a grin.

I raised an eyebrow as I passed him in order to get to the fridge. "And what invitation is that?" I asked taking out a beer.

"Oh you know," he began, "the one to my bed."

"As much as you know I'd love to, Renji, I'm going to have to decline," Rukia said in feigned sadness.

"And why's that?" Renji asked with his grin still ever present.

Rukia simply ran her hand roughly through his hair. "It's the red hair," she answered with a broad smile as she took the beer out of my hands and walked off.

"I'll go blonde for ya, babe!" he shouted after her before he let out a chuckle.

I sighed from my stolen beer before getting another one. "You'll never give up, huh?"

"Neither will she," he said in response. Renji Abarai, a blunt redneck who has an overactive libido. If I want the truth, I'll go to this guy. If I want to be a guy and just relax and have a beer, he's the one to go to. Nothing is too serious with him, so you can get things off your mind easily. He'll hit on any walking vagina. Flirting with Rukia is just a habit now; playful banter that they both apparently get a kick out of.

Let me quickly introduce the main posse before we keep going. Living with Rukia were four other girls. Orihime Inoue was the heart and soul of our entire group. She's the most innocent, and often most child-like out of all of us. I'm not saying if anyone else had a problem we wouldn't rush to their aid; it's just seems morally wrong if something happens to her. I guess we're a protective bunch.

Tatsuki Arisawa is the jock. She always has energy to do something. Even drunk, she'll ask people if they want to go for a run. I've wrestled her many times, and I can shamefully say she's beaten me more than I wish she did. She's laid back but makes sure things are done right. On a more personal note, Tatsuki plays for the other team. She always had a little thing for Orihime. Too bad Orihime always had her eyes on men.

Rangiku Matsumoto is the female version of Renji. The only difference is she has a much better sense of fashion. Half the time, Renji didn't even have a shirt on. Seductive and up for a good time, it's a shock the two of them haven't gotten together yet. Although, I think it was a close call one night. She has a fiery spirit.

Momo Hinamori's more of the artist of the group. She has a tender personality, making it rare to ever get into an argument with her. Painting, sketching, even playing the piano; she has a lot of talent there.

In my house, there's of course, me, Uryuu, Renji, but also, Chad and Kaien. Chad is the gentle giant. Like Momo, you'll never get into an argument with this guy. He's a true buddy. Surprisingly more emotional than you'd think of a guy with that much muscle, but there's no judging there.

Kaien's the mysterious one. "Mr. Smooth." He's a people person; knows how to please a crowd. Politician in the making in my opinion. He's cryptic and most of the time knows exactly what you're thinking. It usually makes him very popular with the ladies. He's been with many different girls throughout the years, but he's always had his eye on Rukia. As far as I know, nothing has ever come of it.

Now let's get back to the story. Six games of beer pong and Uryuu and I were still undefeated. Shots were taken randomly throughout that time. Everyone was feeling at least something. Momo and Orihime were more than enough drunk, which makes sense because they're the lightweights.

"Aw, come on, guys! Somebody's gotta beat us!" Uryuu shouted sarcastically as he laughed.

"Uryuu, calm down! It's not their fault we're better than them," I smirked as he slammed his hand against my back and laughed again.

"I'll take you guys out," Kaien interrupted cockily.

"Oh really? Where's your partner?" Uryuu asked as he threw back his beer.

Kaien took a step closer and slid his arm around Rukia's shoulders. "Right here," he answered staring back at us wearing a smug face.

Rukia, slightly confused, looked back and forth between Uryuu and I, and Kaien. Then, she smiled playfully. "Bring it on, losers!"

"Rukia, you do realize you have to throw a ball in this game, right?" I mocked.

She glared. "Don't be an asshole."

I chuckled and raised my hands to show no offense. "Hey, I'm just saying. Remember that time we played football?"

"That's a completely different sport!"

"Or basketball?"

"The hoop is too high!"

"Even playing catch?"

"Shut it, Kurosaki! I swear to god, you are gonna lose so hard!"

"Losers do four shots in a row," Kaien added. Rukia elbowed him and whispered harshly, "Kaien, I can't do that. I'll die."

He smiled slightly. "Don't worry. We'll win."

"We'll see about that," Uryuu threw back.

And lo and behold, they won. The victory dance included a scream from Rukia, who jumped onto Kaien for a tight embrace, which then ended with Kaien planting a deep kiss on her cheek. It was obvious how he felt. I was just curious if she knew.

Anyhow, four shots later and I was gone. I still don't remember the rest of that night. I woke up on my bed as Rukia stood over me with a glass of water and an amused smile on her face. "Morning, sunshine," she greeted with a giggle as her eyes shined down on me. Somehow that shine seemed to make my head hurt.

I moaned as I tried to sit up. "Remind me to never do that again."

"Oh I've heard that before…"

"At least pretend you care enough to humor me," I groaned as I rubbed my temple. Looking down at myself, I noticed I was only wearing my boxers. "Where are my clothes?" I yelled, wincing at the amount of noise I created.

"Uryuu kept shining a flashlight on you and for some reason you thought you were on fire… So here you are."

"Ugh. I'm a dumbass."

"You don't have to tell _me_ that," she replied with a smile. I glared.

"Did I miss anything?"

"Chad chugged five beers straight in under twenty seconds. Orihime fell down the stairs. Tatsuki fell asleep on the toilet. Renji and Rangiku were talking about something completely X-rated. I avoided that conversation. Uryuu, Kaien, Momo played strip poker, which didn't get that far. They tried convincing me to play, but this was when you started taking off your clothes because of the fake fire. So I took you up here because it looked threatening that the boxers were about to come off."

"Oh good God. I'm sorry about that," I said feeling utterly embarrassed.

She chuckled. "It's fine. It was… amusing," she said, finding the word she was looking for.

"Well thanks for taking care of me," I managed to smile, still feeling disgusting.

"Oh you have no idea. You threw up like ten pounds," she exclaimed as she laughed.

I winced. "That would explain the sour milk taste I have in my mouth…"

"Doctor's advice? Take three of these. It'll make you feel better. And drink that entire glass of water with them," Rukia said as she handed me some sort of pain relievers. Oh yeah, she was pre-med. So was Orihime actually.

"Thanks," I said before following her advice. She took a seat on the edge of my bed. "So, Kaien was getting pretty cozy with you last night. Anything?"

Rukia smiled and shook her head. "He's just my friend, Ichigo. I'm not interested." Little did I know who she really was interested in- Ah! I'm ruining the plotline! That was almost a spoiler. Way to go, Ichigo.

Anyway, part of me didn't really believe her. "You sure?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and looked at me with confusion and curiosity. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Anybody you _are_ interested in then?" It wasn't an abnormal conversation. We talked about this kind of thing all the time. We were best friends. We'd give each other advice if necessary.

"No, not at the moment," she answered nonchalantly. "The year hasn't even started yet anyway."

"True," I said laying back down with a sigh. We sat quietly for a moment before I finally spoke again. "Remember what you randomly said to me a few years back? When we were in my car driving back from a late movie? I can't even remember what movie it was… But you said, 'Promise you'll always be honest with me.' And I've always kept that." I sat up to look at her again. I remembered her face looking so surprised. She blinked a few times before responding.

"I'm not lying to you, Ichigo."

I nodded slowly as she stared directly into my eyes with such intensity. "Okay then." I just didn't believe her. She had been acting weird for awhile. When we talked over the summer things seemed off. I wasn't really sure how to approach it.

My phone buzzed on my dresser next to my bed. I leaned up with yet another groan and grabbed. "Ugh."

"Who is it?"

"Senna. Again. 'Hey, what's up?' She's really starting to be relentless."

"That's annoying," Rukia commented. I sighed. Yes, it _was_ annoying. "Just ignore her."

"I try! But something in me caves."

"She hurt you, Ichigo. It shouldn't be that hard," she said sternly.

"I know, but-"

"No 'buts'. Try to think in reason here. I bet everyone would say the same thing."

"I'm trying to think in reason-"

"No, you're not," she said even stronger.

"Okay, okay. I'll ignore her." An awkward silence filled the air.

"Let's just recover for tonight, okay?" I said trying to get rid of the tension in the air.

"What's tonight?"

"The Food Party? Everyone dresses up as their favorite food? Remember?" I was so confused on how she had forgotten. She was so excited to dress up as ice cream.

"Oh yeah! I can't wait!" she shouted as she jumped to her feet and started jumping up and down.

"Please," I whimpered. "Stop shrieking like a pig being tortured." My head was still pounding.

Many of us consulted each other on what we were going to be for the party. And then ideas of how to cheaply create such costume ensued. Apparently I was going to be a carrot. The orange hair gave it away, I suppose. People separated for a bit to get things done. Some had to work, like Kaien who works in the local library or Momo who works in a shoe store downtown. Others just had things to do. We can't _always_ be together. Life isn't one big party. But even if it was, I'd probably go crazy if I was around them twenty-four/seven.

I took a shower, some more medicine to destroy the headache once and for all, and then threw myself onto my bed. In mere seconds, my phone buzzed. I groaned in annoyance. One moment of peace and quiet, that's all I wanted. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I looked at the message.

_Ichigo, I miss you._

It was that message that tore more at my chest than the others had. Why was Senna still able to make me feel this way? How cruel is it that it was still possible? She didn't want to try then, why would she try now? Why does she think she can? It was all a bunch of bullshit.

I laid there thinking not knowing how much time was passing. Finally, Rukia came walking through my bedroom door. "What are you doing laying there? We were all meeting at my place remember? When you weren't answering your phone, they sent me over here to get you."

I leaned up on my elbows feeling a little delirious. My thoughts were anywhere but there. "Oh, uh, sorry."

"Well come on! Get up!" she urged.

I frowned as I looked down to my lap. "You know what? I think I'm gonna stay in tonight. I still haven't recovered from last night." I needed an excuse. I wasn't in the partying mood. I needed to be alone.

"Are you kidding me?" she exclaimed. "You were so excited about this party early."

"Yeah, but now I feel like staying in. It's not that big a deal if I don't go." She seemed to get overly upset about my change of plans.

"I can't be vegetable dip with only one vegetable!"

"You've got broccoli; Kaien. You'll be fine," I tried to reason.

"No, it's not the same!"

"I'm not going, Rukia," I said firmly. I had made up my mind.

She suddenly froze into a stoic expression. "Fine. I guess Kaien doesn't need any dip."

"What? So you're not going anymore?"

"No. I'm going home." Her defiance was piercing. It was the kind of response she gave that made my chest balloon up in anxiety as I held back the urge to rip her a new one.

"You can still go without me. It's not that big a deal."

"I don't really want to go anymore. Bye, Ichigo." My name felt wrong coming from her lips. It was bitter. She always needed to get her way, and God forbid she didn't, the whole world suffered. I rolled my eyes as my front door slammed shut. Anger and frustration built up in that instant. What the hell was her problem? Why did she have to be so childish? Why did I let her stupid antics affect me so much?

I let out pent up emotion with a simple exhale and roll of my neck and shoulders to relieve the tension. Sometimes I'll never understand her.

I made my way to my room, threw myself on my bed and prepared for a night of convenient television. Flipping through channels proved more entertaining than anything else. My mind was everywhere. Why was Senna still trying to talk to me? She was never a clinger. She was the exact opposite. That's what the problem with us was in the first place. So why continue to make little cameos in my life two years after the fact? Ripping my heart out back then was enough to remind me of that emotional discomfort every time she liked to step on screen.

Why do it? What's her point? Why does it mess with my head so easily?

My finger continued to press the next channel button without my mind even processing what my eyes were barely able to see. Jesus, just get her out of my thoughts.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was rapid and loud. The urgency in it made me jump and make my way to the door in curiosity. I looked at my watch to see 10:47. Opening the door enough for me to see who it was, I squinted in confusion.

"Rukia?" She was shaking and breathing heavily. I quickly shut the door so I could remove the chain and then opened it again. "Hey, what's wrong?" All frustration I had with her from earlier was now gone. What happened before was nothing. I was going to be there for her.

"I think I'm having a panic attack…" she managed to breathe out as she walked into my apartment, brushing past me.

"Wait, what? What's going on?"

She paced in my living room before I began to approach her. My hand reached out to rest on her shoulder, but she cut me off. "Don't come near me," she said sternly.

My confusion just continued to get worse. "Okay…? Then tell me what's wrong."

She then left the living room and made her way into my room. I followed. Concern was running through me. "Rukia. Talk to me."

"I can't," she replied as she shook her head over and over. She then went back into the living room, and I followed her again.

"Why not? We talk about everything! You obviously want to talk about it, otherwise you wouldn't have come here."

"I can't! It's too weird!" Rukia made her way back into my room. It was like a God damn game of tag. I made sure to stand in front of my bedroom door in order to keep her in one room. The chase was over after four or five laps.

"How could it be weird? Nothing you can say will make me think any less of you."

"No, I can't!" she argued weakly as she continued to shake.

"Rukia." Her name came out of my mouth pleadingly. I wanted to help her. I needed to help her. She was so important to me. I had never seen her like this before. And that scared the hell out of me.

"I think I'm starting to feel something…" she admitted without looking at me.

"Okay? You're gonna have to help me out a little more here."

"Ichigo," she whimpered as she let her eyes meet mine. And there it was in those deep violet eyes. I saw it. I felt it.

"How long have you been thinking this?" I questioned softly.

"I just thought of it." Her pacing then continued. And the crying began.

I glared slightly. "You _just_ thought of it. What were you doing when you _just_ thought of it?"

"I was watching 'Dexter'."

"So you were watching a show about a serial killer and you just thought this? That's bullshit. You've been acting weird with me for awhile now."

She kept bringing her hands to her face as she cried more and more. I wanted to hug her, tell her it was fine, but she clearly didn't want me to come near her. I felt useless.

I sat down on my bed as she paced in front of me. "You need to talk. Get your thoughts out of your head. You can't bottle this up inside," I urged. It was true. Staying silent was clearly eating her alive. But aside from that, I really didn't know what to say.

"I don't know. I'm just generally happier whenever you're around. I find myself smiling when you walk into the room."

"That doesn't mean you have feelings for me," I argued gently. "Friends can be happy to see each other. There are different kinds of love."

She didn't respond to that. She just cried more. Her pacing was beginning to get to me. "Can you just sit and calm down a little?" She sat in a chair across from me as her body shook. "Breathe," I begged.

"I… don't know what it is about you. It's different with you. I don't understand it," she explained before standing up and pacing again.

I sighed and tried to break the tension a little. With a smirk, I joked, "It must be my charm…"

Her pacing stopped as she shot me a glare full of daggers. "Not now," she spat bitterly.

I let out a chuckle awkwardly and tried to move away from my comedic attempt. I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. "I don't… understand. Why me?"

"What do you mean 'why me'?" she questioned as she wiped her eyes. She made it sound like what I asked was ridiculous.

"I mean, it would make more sense for Kaien than me."

Her stare seemed incredulous. "Why would I have feelings for Kaien? I talk to _you_. I'm always with _you_."

Finally it was all soaking in. It was shocking. She was my best friend. She meant so much to me. What was I supposed to say to her? I didn't care that she may have feelings for me. She was still my Rukia. What could I do?

I stared blankly at the floor. "So… how long have you felt like this?" I questioned again.

"I don't know? Awhile now?" she busted out as she buried her face in her hands and cried. Her pacing grew faster. "Ugh, I just thought about kissing you and it freaked me out!"

My eyes widened and I felt slightly more uncomfortable all of a sudden. "Uh, okay…" Anxiety kicked in. How could I make this okay?

"I… I just want it to go away," she ushered through tears. Some part of that statement hurt; whether it was about not wanting to have feelings for me or the fact that I didn't know how exactly to help her.

"We spend too much time together. We need space," she said karate chopping the air to represent the space concept.

"We have all the same friends. Do you know how hard that's going to be?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows and the hurt starting to spread in my chest.

"This needs to happen. I can't deal with this," she started to demand as if she had control over herself.

I sighed and stared at her for a moment. "If that's truly what you want, I'll give it to you. But I don't believe in that. You don't take breaks in friendships."

"Ichigo," she said so strongly with a look of pleading deep within her eyes. A tear came strolling down her damp cheeks. How could I deny her? I didn't want her to cry anymore. "Okay," I said softly. Silence filled the air as she began to cry quietly. "I guess… I'll see you around then." She nodded as she looked to the floor and then that was it. She left.

And that was when it happened; the most uncontrollable turn of my life.

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><p>Chapter one. I've been really getting back into writing lately. It feels good. I hope some of you will stick around and see where I take you. I'll try not to let you down.<p>

For those of you that are familiar with my other stories, you know I use a lot of music to help me out. So give a listen to, "Shark in the Water," by VV Brown. It works for Rukia mostly.

Later


	2. The King of Wishful Thinking

Hey, guys. Took awhile, but here it is. Wrote it all tonight/this morning. I had a huge urge to write it. But yeah, the song this is named after is an oldie by Go West. Classic. I watched Pretty Woman the other day and this has been stuck in my head since then. Anyway, enjoy.

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><p><em>Chapter 2: The King of Wishful Thinking<em>

Two weeks had passed. I avoided her like the plague. I agreed to give her space; so that's exactly what I did. Breakfasts, lunches, dinners; all skipped. We always ate together as a group. Well most of us did. It depended on work schedules and the amount of schoolwork each of us had. But I didn't attend any. I stayed in on the weekends. The party scene would have been too close. After two weeks of not talking or seeing my best friend, I hoped I could finally make contact again. So I went to her house.

"Hey, is Rukia home?" I asked Orihime as she opened the door.

"Yeah, she's in her room," she answered with a smile as she stepped aside to let me enter. Making my way up the stairs seemed to take forever. I was excited to see her, yet something about it scared me. Would I upset her? Was it too soon? Then I would debate with myself. Why would I upset her? We're best friends. How could it be too soon? Two weeks has already felt like a decade. Everything was going to be fine.

I knocked on her door decorated with homemade posters of her name and pictures she had drawn of cats and other miscellaneous objects. "Come in," her voice resonated through the wooden door. It made my chest balloon in anticipation.

Walking in, she slowly looked up from a book on her lap. She sat easily on her bed with eyes growing slightly wider and mouth dropping open. "Hey," I said softly. My hands rested in my pockets as I took a few steps in.

"Hi," she said uncomfortably before looking back down to her book.

"How've you been?" I asked gently.

"Good," she answered without looking up.

"It's been awhile," I added with an uncomfortable chuckle as I rubbed the back of my neck.

She continued to look at her book with a deep sigh. Her bangs hung slightly in her face when she raised her head to look at me. Her stare was cold and heavy. There was a wall that prevented me from seeing any thought or feeling she held. Her voice irritated. "Is there something you wanted, Ichigo?"

I stuttered. "I-I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Well I'm fine. And pretty busy too, so you should probably get going."

"Oh," I replied as I watched her head fall back toward the book. Turning around and standing in the doorway, my hand on the doorknob, I stopped. I turned back slightly and stared for a moment; a searing feeling of sadness beginning to boil to the surface. "Are you ever going to act normal around me again?" I asked vulnerably.

She let out a single chuckle, but remained looking toward the book. "I'll get back to you on that one."

With furrowed brows, I stared for a moment more before leaving her room. Walking down the stairs was my descent from heaven's paradise and venture into the depths of that hollowness that nobody ever wants to enter. Things felt like they were changing. Things felt wrong. I had to fix it. That was my only option. If she knew that it didn't matter to me that she had feelings for me, maybe she would start to be herself again around me. I had to prove to her that nothing would ever change our friendship. That was my next course of action.

"Ichigo! You ready? We're leaving soon!" I heard as Chad banged on the other side of my door.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming," I said as I buttoned up my shirt. I was going out this weekend. I needed it, but also, this was my chance to start my plan. We were going to be with everyone. It was going to feel like old times.

Heading downstairs, I saw the girls and my housemates awaiting my arrival in the living room. Rukia's back was to me. So I slowly approached her. This was my first chance. When I was finally within reach, I squeezed her sides to scare her. She jumped and yelped as she turned around in alarm. Her eyebrows immediately furrowed from the sight of me. "What the hell are you doing?" she yelled.

"I'm just joking around," I tried to explain with a reassuring smile.

She glared and shook her head before walking away from me. I was dumbfounded. My first attempt was a complete failure.

"Yo, Ichigo. Pregaming with shots. Get over here," Renji waved me over. I sighed and made my way to him. I needed it.

The music was blaring as the living room of the house party swarmed with people dancing. The kitchen was full of different drinking games. I found myself not knowing where I belonged. None of it felt right at the moment. Three shots in and I wasn't feeling anything. Alcohol wasn't appetizing right then and there. I stood on the outskirts of the living room. In the dim lighting, a girl managed to spot me being a loner. She began to sweet talk me as I smiled politely, nodded and spoke accordingly. My eyes would rise to look at the swarm occasionally. Renji was dancing with Rangiku, which wasn't that surprising. Orihime was dancing with some guy, who was way out of his league, in my opinion. Tatsuki and Momo laughed and toasted their drinks as they continued to move to the beat. Kaien was smirking down at a cute girl, who looked mesmerized. But at that moment I was watching him, I saw him look up. Following his gaze, I found myself looking at Rukia dancing with a guy as she chugged her drink. She then pulled away and began to stumble toward the hallway.

Uryuu walked into the room next to me. I quickly grabbed his arm. "Hey, Rukia just went off on her own and she looks pretty bad."

"Well go after her. I'm kind of busy, man," he said with eyes shifting toward the girl under his arm. I sighed after getting the hint.

Looking down at the girl who was trying so hard to get a bit closer to me that night, I apologized and excused myself. "I'll look for you later!" I heard her yell after me as I made my way through the crowd. Out of the massive group that we came in, I had to be the one to go after her. I was probably her last choice at the moment. But some guy could take advantage of her. I wasn't about to let that happen. Urgently looking around, I saw her leave the lengthy bathroom line downstairs and make her way toward the stairs, most likely in search of another bathroom. I rushed to her side as she began to trip up the stairs. Steadying her, she quickly threw me off after acknowledging me.

"Don't touch me. I'm fine," she said sternly.

"You can't even stand, Rukia."

"I don't need your help!" she yelled as her words slurred.

"Fine, go ahead," I said bitterly. I watched as she tried to continue up the stairs. Then, she tripped again and fell. Nostrils flaring, I took a breath and walked up to help her to her feet.

"I said-"

"Shut up. I'm not leaving you." I helped her to the bathroom and waited outside. She stumbled out and fell into me; her palms and cheek against my chest as her eyes remained closed. I steadied her with my hands on her waist.

"Ichigo… can you do me favor?" she ushered quietly. "Why do I feel like this?"

I chuckled. "That's not really a favor. That's more like a question."

Rukia ignored me. "I don't want this." Her hands turned into fists against my chest. I had no words for her. What could I say to her? What would make this better? I wanted to say she was still my Rukia. I wanted to tell her I would never think differently of her. I wanted her to know she meant so much to me. But all I ended up doing was stand there silently.

"Take me home," she added finally. So I did. I helped her to bed and placed a trashcan by her bed in case she found herself needing to throw up her life. But then I left. She wouldn't be happy to see me in the morning. I knew that. Besides, the girls were going to be back soon. They would help her if necessary. I walked home with a heavy heart.

A few days passed. Schoolwork was piling up. Everyone in the house was stressing. "Chad! If you finish the milk, throw it out! Don't put it back in the fridge!" Uryuu complained as he tossed it viciously into the garbage.

"Okay. Relax," Chad replied as he continued to eat his cereal.

"God, you're such a slob!" Uryuu added as he slammed the cabinet doors.

"Hey! You're one to talk, mister has never washed a dish in his life!" Renji stepped in to defend.

"Well I figured other people should carry some weight since I'm cleaning everything else in this damn house! Try cleaning a toilet every once in awhile," Uryuu argued.

"Chill out, man. You make it sound like nobody else does anything," I said walking into the kitchen.

"You definitely don't! You're so god damn lazy!" Renji responded.

"That's not what your mom said last night," I threw back at him with a smirk.

"Wow. Real mature," I heard from behind. Spinning around, I saw Rukia staring in disgust. It wasn't her usual sarcastic behavior. It was purely bitter. It stung. And it bothered me tremendously. Rolling her eyes, she looked back at Kaien who had followed her in. "Thanks again, Kaien. I'll see you later." He smiled down at her before she waved at the rest of my housemates and left.

"What was that about? Why was she thanking you?" I asked in annoyance.

"She asked me for help with her history paper. The doctor has a weakness, and that is the Vietnam War," he joked as he began his search for food.

"Yeah, I remember when she found out that she needed a social science course to satisfy her major. The only things open were history classes. She was pretty pissed she had to do that in her senior year." She really was pissed. She threw a book at the wall. And then out the window, which hit some guy in the head.

"But what's worse is that whole grade switch thing she has to deal with," Kaien added grabbing a bowl out of the cabinet.

"What whole grade thing?"

"You know, that previous social science class issue," Uryuu tried cluing me in. My face said it all. I had no idea what they were talking about. "Rukia didn't tell you?" Uryuu added in complete astonishment.

Chad took over. "The last social science class she took, she ended up getting a D in it. The new policy is that nothing lower than a C is acceptable. So she was fighting for it to count because this was before the rule change. But the best she could get was the deal that as long as she gets a B in this history class, her other class will count."

"Holy shit, a B? That's crazy hard for her!"

"Wow, your faith in her is astounding," Kaien commented, earning him a glare from myself.

"Yeah, she's been more insane than usual lately," Renji added as he picked up the bowl to drink the milk.

I knew nothing. She hadn't told me anything. _Renji_ knew more than me! I was angry. I was hurt. When was she going to stop pushing me out of her life? At this point it started to dig deeper. What the hell was going on?

I sat, lost in thought, behind the register of my part-time job at the school bookstore. Why was this being thrown out of proportion? All she did was confess that she had feelings for me, and I- no. I didn't even have the chance to reject her. She was too busy being disgusted by the idea of actually liking me more than a friend. It was a little hurtful to my pride, but that's not the point. I still showed that I cared for her. It didn't matter to me! I had to confront her again. Two weeks had gone by. This was getting ridiculous.

That night, when I was invited to go out to dinner at one of the places down Main Street, which by the way have the most amazing burgers, I actually allowed myself to go. Hoping she'd be there, this was going to be my chance. But luck didn't seem to be on my side when I showed up. No eye contact, no acknowledgement. She stood as far away from me as possible. So we all went in, pushed a few tables together and ate. Everyone was rowdy as usual, but my thoughts were centered around my best friend. What I would give to understand anything going on in that head of hers. Then, I found my chance. She was getting up to go to the bathroom. So, I casually followed her without her noticing. I playfully put my hands on her shoulders from behind and directed her down the hallway in zigzags, avoiding the guy mopping the floor. I also made racecar sound. Can't forget that part. But as soon as my hands gripped her shoulders, she tensed. She knew it was me. And I knew that I made her uncomfortable. That made me angry. Finally, we stopped and I walked around to face her.

The sight kind of shocked me. She was breathing heavily and her eyes wide, but I only hesitated for a second. "Okay, listen. I don't know what the hell is going on. But I'm fucking pissed off now." Just as I finished that sentence, Uryuu was right there in the hallway staring with shock. He quickly went back to the table. The moment I looked back at Rukia, tears were flying down her face. She began to beg. "Please, not right now. I can't talk about this right now."

My voice grew louder. "Then, when the fuck are we going to talk about it? You keep avoiding me!"

"Please! Not right now! I can't!" She was starting to become a mess. And this was because of me. Yeah, fuck me. I sighed, "I'm sorry, okay? I just want you to be normal with me again. I don't want to lose you." I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. "Please, stop crying." The guilt trip was underway.

She nodded, wiped her tears, and went into the bathroom. Not a single word was thrown my way. My hand flew through my hair. Well that had accomplished absolutely nothing. All I did was make her cry, which made me feel like an asshole. But apparently she was going to come to me when she was ready. I just hoped it'd be rather soon. It was really stressing me out. I know she is probably having a hard time, but it's starting to affect _me_.

Timing is an amazing thing though. Because just as the bathroom door closed behind her, Senna texted me. I groaned and ignored her message. What the hell was going on? Was there an alarm that went off somewhere alerting everyone that Ichigo Kurosaki feels like shit? Let's make it worse! But of course I thought that too soon. I slipped on the wet floor as I walked back to the table. Fell into an empty table. Yeah, things weren't going my way.

Later on back at the house, Uryuu came over to me when I was flipping through channels in the living room. "Hey. Everything okay? You seemed pretty pissed with Rukia before." He stood looking concerned as I sighed and grinned. "Everything's peachy, man."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Life's just crazy," I answered vaguely.

Uryuu chuckled and sat down next to me. "That's what I'm sayin'. I think we might have an issue…"

First thought: What now? I tried to stay nonchalant. "What do you mean?"

"Is it wrong for a friend to start liking a friend?"

I almost choked on my own saliva. Clearing my throat, I asked, "What- what do you mean?" My heartbeat got a little faster. Did she talk to someone about our situation? Was I finally getting some information?

"I think I'm falling for Orihime." My body lost tension. "Oh."

"Oh? You sound disappointed…" he said with an awkward chuckle.

"No, no! That was just… unexpected." I smiled and punched his knee. "That's awesome, man. She's a great girl."

He wore a huge grin. "Yeah. But is it bad? We've been friends for a while now. Do I want to ruin that?"

I felt my eyebrows furrow. "It shouldn't ruin anything. If she doesn't feel the same, there's no reason why you can't still be friends."

"I guess…" I could tell he was confused by my sudden change of tone. I did mean it and didn't want him to worry. It just made me bitter as well. "Well I gotta go do some reading. Thanks. Oh, and your fly is open, tool."

"Ah, shit." I fixed it and waved unenthusiastically.

The next few days killed. Classes were intense. Work was irritating. I just found myself getting more miserable. I felt like drama kept getting worse around me. Tatsuki came in one day when I was working. I was taking school bumper stickers out of boxes and putting them on a shelf when she came storming in. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Uh, I'm kinda working…"

"Keep working. I'll talk." She was urgent and her voice sounded like anxiety ran through her veins instead of blood. "I almost kissed Orihime last weekend."

"Whoa! What?" I almost knocked all the bumper stickers off the shelf. I turned and gave her my full attention.

"I haven't told anyone that. I've been sitting on this for a week! We were drunk and at that party Friday night. She was _really_ gone, but I still knew what I was doing. I was so close! And I really didn't even mean to do it! The moment was just… there!" Her hands were flailing as she spoke.

"Okay, okay. Calm down. Breathe or something." I ran my hand through my hair and took a deep breath. "How did it all go down?" Orihime is apparently in demand…

"We were dancing and laughing and having a good time. Then, she stumbled a bit and I caught her arm. She then leaned in and wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her forehead on mine. She closed her eyes and said, "Tatsuki, you're always here for me." I was right there! I found my head tilting and getting ready. Ugh! And then someone tripped into me and the whole thing was over." She threw her face into her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing." Her eyes were so upset. It was like she really didn't want to have feelings for her, but she couldn't help it.

"You can't help who you like, Tatsuki. Don't be so hard on yourself. Orihime isn't the kind of person to be freaked out or anything. You know she's like a saint."

"I know, but… I know she would never be interested in me. That's something I can't change. But I can't stop feeling like this!"

I sighed. "Here's what I believe. For now, yeah, it's gonna suck. You want to be with her but you can't. But one day, someone is gonna walk into the room and blow your mind. Orihime won't even be a thought. Well, in that way."

She still looked upset. "I wish that day was sooner rather than later."

I gave her a gentle smile. "Me too." It's funny actually. I didn't even realize right away how much that situation reflected my own. It took me a few hours to have it click in my brain. Tatsuki was Rukia. They were freaking out about how they felt. I just wish I could calm Rukia the way I did Tatsuki.

Life really was getting crazier. Renji and Rangiku were now friends with benefits. It was… odd. They didn't show a difference in behavior at all, but it was awkward hearing the noises coming from his room almost every night.

And Rukia came and left after spending time with Kaien for her history class. Yeah, that still pissed me off. He was enjoying being with her way too much. I can admit that I was jealous. He spent more time with her than I did. All he wanted was a way to get closer to her so he could get closer to her bed.

To top everything off, Senna kept trying to talk to me every few days. I eventually gave in and answered. It was casual conversation. We learned new things about each other's lives and I found myself actually enjoying talking to her. But it is hard to completely get rid of the hesitation in opening up to her. The memory that she broke my heart lurks around in the corner of my mind.

But I continued getting more frustrated. I even started going to the gym with Chad. Of course he made me look like a chump after bench pressing three times his damn weight, but it helped me get aggression out. There's a bunching bag. It's pretty amazing. The girl that signs me in to use it definitely has a crush on me. Her name's Nel. I flash her a charismatic smile when I get there and when I leave. She seems nice. Not bad to look at either. What? I'm only human. Of course I look. I just didn't have the push to try anything.

I went all out punching the shit out of the punching bag one time. I was completely exhausted. Smiling at Nel as I came out of the room, her mood quickly brightened. "See you tomorrow?"

"Most definitely." She smiled back sweetly. She really was cute. I turned to leave as I threw her a wave. In front of me entering the gym, was Rukia. It hit me a bit harder than I expected. I was alone and she was alone. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in three and a half weeks. She still hadn't made things better between us. Was I supposed to say hi to her?

She stopped when we met up. "Hey," she said awkwardly. I gave her a nod as I wiped the sweat off of my forehead. "I heard you're going home for the weekend… Excited to see people?"

This was just weird. She was actually trying to have a casual conversation with me. She was ignoring everything that's been going on between us. That actually pissed me off. "Yeah. I guess." It was my dad's fiftieth birthday. That was the main reason why I was going home. But I also just wanted to get the hell away for a bit. Being at school just became a huge hassle in the past two months. I needed a break.

"It'll probably be nice to see your family," she added.

"Sure, probably," I answered with agitation fully hitting me. "Look I gotta go," I said with my nostrils flaring. She looked hurt. And she should have. I didn't like any of this. I wanted her to put closure to this big ordeal that was made. I needed it. I wanted an apology for how she had been treating me.

"Oh, okay," she replied softly. "See ya," I said as I brushed past her. God, I wanted it to be the weekend already. That little rendezvous just pushed me over the edge. I wanted to get the hell out of that city. I wanted to stop thinking about her and how its killing me inside. Sadly enough, that didn't happen when I went home. I still thought about her. I was running away from it, but it followed me home. My parents saw something wrong with me. My two sisters were just so excited to have me home, they didn't see a thing. But the way my mom looked at me, it's like she saw the needle inside my chest that continually kept piercing me. I told her I was just stressing over things and not to worry about me. I didn't want to upset anyone else. No one should be sad because of me. I never wanted that.

Being home just gave me more time to think about all of it. It had now been two months since our first confrontation. I'd given her a shitload of time to contain herself. She was even _trying_ to talk normally with me a few days ago. Maybe she was ready to finally talk to me about it. He seemed pretty possible to me. So I was going to try again when I went back. It seemed promising. I just wanted it to end already. I had barely done anything with our friends because she was going to be there. I didn't want to pretend to have fun when she hated me being there. I wanted her back. I wanted the girl that used to always take over my bed; the girl that ate ice cream with every meal of the day; the girl that had the ability to get me to talk about things no one was capable of doing. It was all so simple for her. I wanted the girl that couldn't go two hours without talking to me. She was a major part of who I was. So part of me has been absent for a decent amount of time. I was getting hollower and it was hurting more and more.

I got back Monday afternoon. I felt stronger. I was prepared. I walked over to her house and Momo answered the door. Paint was on her face. "Hey, is Rukia here?"

"Yep! In her room. Come on in," she said cheerfully.

"Thanks. By the way, you've got a little blue on your face," I said with a chuckle.

"Oh geez! I'm trying to finish this art project that's due tomorrow, but it's giving me a hard time. Paint has gotten everywhere and I'm doomed to fail."

"Oh come on. You're an amazing artist. You're just having a tough day, but I bet whatever comes out, it'll still be fantastic."

"I knew I always liked you," she said with a sincere smile. Laughing, I left her and made my way up the stairs. Her door was closed, so I waited and took a deep breath before entering her room.

"Hey," I said delicately as she turned her head to see me. She was apparently lounging around. Her clothes were sweatpants and a plain t-shirt and she was lying on her bed watching television.

"Hey," she said back in the same tone. I slowly made my way into her room. I leaned against her dresser as she continued looking at the television. "So… I think we should talk."

She turned to look at me again. "Not right now."

"Come on, Rukia. You said that a month ago. It's been two months. This is ridiculous." I spoke gently. I wasn't trying to get into an argument. I just wanted to understand.

"I'm not listening to this," she said as she jumped off of her bed and left her room. That was something I didn't expect. I started to chase after her down the stairs. "Rukia! You can't keep running from this!" And then the front door slammed behind her. I punched the wall as I stood in the middle of the stairs.

Momo walked over. "Is everything alright?" I took a seat on the stairs and sighed. "Yeah, everything's fine. Just a little misunderstanding. I'm gonna wait for her to cool off and come back." It wasn't a complete lie. I just downplayed it a bit. But I was going to wait for her to come back. I wasn't giving up that easily. She had enough time to avoid this. Now I was going to throw it back into her face.

I must have waited an hour, hour and a half. I know I'm stubborn. And once she walked through the front door, she immediately looked furious. "Go home, Ichigo. I'm not doing this now. Momo is home and someone else is probably going to be home any minute."

"I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not going anywhere until you dig down and find a little courage to confront this shit." It was right then that I was shocked. She started screaming.

"I can't fucking stop thinking about it! It doesn't stop! So I don't want to fucking talk about it!"

After letting the shock wear off, I then responded. "I get that this is hard for you, but it is for me too! I'm thinking about it all the God damn time too!"

"Just stop! I'm not doing this!" She spun around and started going toward the door again.

I jumped up from my seat on the stairs and yelled after her. "You leave again, I'm coming after you this time." And then she left, so I ran after her out the door.

"Just leave me alone!" she yelled weakly as she walked faster down the sidewalk.

"No! I can't do that anymore! I just want you to talk to me!" As we rounded the corner, we ran into Rangiku, so we came to a halt. Rukia immediately threw on a perfectly fake smile. Rangiku looked between the two of us suspiciously. "Hey… How's it goin'?"

Rukia nodded a few times. "Pretty good. Just going for a walk." Everything sounded wonderful coming from her, but I didn't change the expression on my face. I was angry and I really didn't care to hide it. I gave a disgusted chuckle and began to walk away. "I'm tired of fucking pretending, Rukia." I didn't turn back. Things were definitely different now. Bitterness was dripping off of both of us. As I continued walking away, I realized something. When she screamed at me, I had no idea who that person was. That wasn't the Rukia I knew. That was somebody else. And that realization scared the hell out of me.

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><p>I'll try to get the next chapter out sooner. Much love. Later.<p> 


	3. Winter Song

I'm just poppin these chapters out now! It feels great! This one is named after the Sara Bareilles/Ingrid Michaelson duet. Enjoy!

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><p><em>Chapter 3: Winter Song<em>

I started learning that I needed to stay busy. Sitting around was just asking for me to dwell on all of the bullshit; as if seeing the same damn _friendship_ bracelet she made me every day wasn't enough of a reminder? I'd pick up as many extra work shifts as I could. I really focused on schoolwork. I rarely saw anyone. When people hung out, they usually did it with a big group. I was too afraid of being around her to let myself act normal. But above that, I wanted to give her that space. I was doing it for her. She had to fix herself in order for her to fix things with me. So I needed to let that happen first. Little did I know, as I continued to think I was doing her a favor, I isolated myself. My friends hardly ever saw me. They were always with her. I practically willingly gave up my life for her to be happy. Thinking about it now, I ask myself why I was so dumb. I ended up treating myself so badly, just because I was being a true friend to her. I was being such a good friend, that I didn't realize how unfriendly she was being to me until too late.

It became habit that people would leave me alone. They would stop inviting me to do things. I always said no. Occasionally, Uryuu would give me some attention. Well, I say that like I was dying for it; I wasn't. I was too used to my aloneness to really care that much. And as time went by, I'd see Rukia once in awhile. She would be walking with Orihime or Momo on the quad, and they'd be laughing. Then her eyes would land on me and her expression completely changed. She was uncomfortable, angry; it even looked like she was in physical pain sometimes. Orihime would stop to say hi to me and ask how I was doing, and she'd walk a few feet away and wait with her back to me so she wouldn't have to see me. She'd then get annoyed for waiting too long and say, "Come on, we're gonna be late." I wasn't worth the time apparently. Other times when she was with a friend and they stopped to talk to me, she'd wait behind pillars or doors just so I wouldn't be in her line of sight. Slowly but surely, I was become invisible. I didn't exist anymore.

She had the strangest ability to manipulate the people around her and wrap her arms around them tight. Once you were in her grip, you stayed there; apparently until she was done with you. But while she was holding on to you, it made you feel like the most amazing person in the world. It was clear how important you were to her. You were her all. And after feeling that constantly and knowing that for so long, when it gets stripped away, you're completely lost. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself at one point. I felt so alone. And I didn't want to ask for anyone's help. It wasn't their problem. This was between me and her. So I kept to myself out of respect to her. Wow, respect. Saying that makes me laugh. I was respectful to her and she didn't even deserve it. She was okay with how I was ending up. And it wasn't a secret. Everyone knew something was going on with me and her. Nobody wanted to intrude. The realization of it all is that she was selfish and I was selfless.

I came back late to my house one night. I was studying in the library on campus. As I made my way up the stairs, Uryuu came out of his room. "Hey, pal. Where've you been?"

"Doing some schoolwork," I answered with a shrug.

"Well, this guy I study with is throwing a party tomorrow. We're gonna go. You should come with us. You haven't been out in awhile." I could tell he really wanted me to and I appreciated that. But it had actually gotten to that point where he had to invite me in order for me to go. It was always just assumed that I would go with him.

My first thought came out without even thinking about it. "Is Rukia going?"

He nodded slowly and then began to furrow his eyebrows. "What's… been going on between you two?"

I sighed heavily and began to flair my nostrils. Bowing my head, I realized I had a choice here. I looked back up at him. "So you've noticed?" I said with a sad smirk.

He gave a single chuckle. "Of course. Everyone has. You two were inseparable and all of a sudden… nothing!"

"Did any of you ask her what was going on?" I was curious.

"Yeah, a few of us. She just always says she doesn't want to talk about it."

I couldn't help a laugh from coming out of my throat. "She really loves that phrase, doesn't she?" I said more to myself than him.

"You don't have to tell me, Ichigo, but I'm here to listen."

This was it. I had a chance to break myself free from holding it in. "It's not really my place to tell." I saw Uryuu nod with a sad expression on his face. "But I don't think I can keep this to myself anymore." Silence fell between us. And then, I spoke. "Rukia confessed that she has feelings for me. She freaked out. The idea of liking me just disgusted her and she didn't want it anymore. So she started by ignoring me, then being meaner, then just completely not acknowledging me. I've tried confronting her multiple times, but she never wants to talk about it. I've stayed away because this is what she wanted, but now I don't even want to be around her unless she decides she wants to talk to me. I can't do this god damn pretending shit! She pretends I don't exist or that I'm just a fucking stranger!"

"Holy shit, man. Okay, take some breaths. Why is she so afraid of it?" he asked in complete confusion.

"If I knew, I wouldn't be having this breakdown."

"Fair enough. Well, I don't really know what to tell you. This whole thing sounds fucked up. The fact that you can't see your friends because of how it makes you feel when you're around her; that's not cool. But she's clearly going through something. As much as you want your friend back, you've got to let her do her thing."

"I get that. I really do. But why am I suffering from this shit? Why does my whole life have to change because of something going on with her? Why do I never get to see you guys? I fucking live with all of you and I barely see you. This is all bullshit and I don't want to deal with this anymore!" I know I was yelling. I wanted it to be fixed. I thought finally telling someone would make me feel better; that something would change from the fact that I wasn't alone in knowing. But it didn't fix anything because this was a situation that couldn't be fixed. And I didn't fully understand that until many months later.

Uryuu tried to talk to me more, but it was still not too different. I even told Chad and Renji. They agreed that it was a messed up situation. Apparently once those three knew, it spread to the rest of our friends. Funny part is that no one had the guts to confront Rukia about it. It was like they were all afraid. Well, that's what it looked like in my eyes. Their reason was that they didn't want to get involved; she had to figure herself out, blah, blah, blah. It's hard to understand human behavior because I know for a fact, if this was happening with anyone else and I found out, I'd get to the bottom of it. I'd ask what the hell was going on. But I guess that's just me.

December came oddly fast, although time felt infinite to me. I started going out again, but it was mostly just with Chad. He always stuck by me with everything I went through. He was definitely closer with me than Rukia, which is probably the reasoning. He was the first to realize that it had gotten to the point where sides were being chosen. Others still believed they could stay neutral. And it only really worked out for two of them in the end.

I was going out every day on the weekend. I would get so incredibly drunk, make-out with some chick, blackout and wake up at four in the afternoon with wrappers of food that I had ordered on top of me. Then, showered and went to work at five. It was a pattern and I found myself enjoying it; one of the few things I actually enjoyed. Going out again brought about the drama that I had left when I stopped associating with everyone. Apparently, Orihime had become away of Tatsuki's feelings without Tatsuki knowing. Orihime didn't mind. It was flattering to her. But when drunken nights pursued and Tatsuki started getting touchy-feely, Orihime's internal alarm went off. Things would then get awkward. Uryuu was actually getting closer with Orihime though. That looked promising.

The even more dramatic story is the fact that Renji slept with some random chick and Rangiku wasn't too pleased about it. Apparently the whole "friends with benefits" wasn't enough for her. But it was predictable. Those kinds of things never work. Someone always starts having feelings and shit goes down. So even though Rangiku is willing to sleep with him, or dance, or make-out if it's offered, she still refers to him as a douche bag. People could still see how much she still liked him when she mocked him though. Her eyes gave her away. I did feel bad for her.

The first semester of our senior year was coming to a close. And even now when I compare it to how it started, I still feel a tinge of hurt. I was completely miserable. I went out on the weekends and drank my life away. This one girl managed to make me feel less than dust. At least you could still see dust when it settled. I wasn't there; in body to her; in mind to myself. I had placed everything in her hands; everything about my life. I never shared anything with people. I never expressed things like _feelings_. To me, feelings were pathetic. It made you weak if you talked about them or showed something like sadness or pain. I always wanted to be the "strong" one. I know now all of that is bullshit. It's weak to think you shouldn't express yourself. I was completely in the wrong state of mind even before everything with Rukia happened. So when she managed to dig into my soul and rip out everything I've ever hidden, and then suddenly just disappear from my life, I felt… betrayed? I suppose that's the correct term to use. I gave her my trust. I never give people that easily. So I felt stabbed in the back. I felt abandoned. I felt unwanted. There was such a void within me at this point that I searched for the smallest bit of comfort. Women were used to make me feel desirable, a weak anti-depressant was used to calm the darkness in my thoughts, and alcohol was used to numb the pain. I was reckless. So when our month break was about to start, something in me was at ease. I wanted to get out of this environment and breathe. I begged for that month off to heal my wounds. I wasn't anxious. But a part of me hoped I could start this break with peace at mind.

I still had hope. I still believed she would come back to me. I believed I could make that happen. How could she get rid of me completely? I remember this one time during freshman year. She was laying on the edge of my bed wrapped in my blanket as I tried to read a book. She was looking through Cosmo when she turned to me. "I think I might go to bed early. I have to get up at eight tomorrow." She groaned. "You gonna be up long?"

I sighed from the reading I had. It was boring as hell. I never went to my economic lectures so I taught myself the material. I still kicked ass. It's a gift, what can I say? "Well, I'm not that tired. I'll probably go down and hang out with Momo."

"Really? Huh." She didn't back that up. I looked at her with an eyebrow raised.

"What does that mean?"

"She just seems so obsessed with you. It's weird."

"_Obsessed_ with me? That might be a bit much. She just really likes hanging out with me. She's really not that bad, Rukia," I tried reasoning with her. I was smirking though. She sounded ridiculous.

"But she always wants to hang out with you!"

"And your point? So do you."

"Well that's just it! _I'm_ hanging out with you."

"Holy crap. You're jealous," I said in realization. I was grinning now.

"No," she held out the word with a glare but smile on her face. "I just matter more."

"Ha! Wow! You are so ridiculous!" My eyes were wide. It was just too funny though.

"No, I'm just… I'm just a little possessive, okay?" she admitted.

"I guess so," I agreed with a laugh. "Listen, this shouldn't even affect you that much. You always go to bed before me. I stay up and so does she. You're asleep. Don't be jealous when you aren't even awake."

"Fine," she surrendered holding out the word again. She started making her way toward the door.

"I'm glad you want me so badly though," I smirked and sent her a joking wink. She scoffed and closed the door behind her.

She really was a possessive person. But there was something about it that comforted me. I knew she liked being around me. It was never a mystery. In a weird sense, I enjoyed being "hers". It sounds idiotic saying that. Even thinking it kind of weirds me out. But that's how close we were. It was always 'Ichigo and Rukia'. We were inseparable. She became an important piece of me. The warmth she gave me was gone; it was now too cold for even the winter.

I was the last one to leave the house. Two days alone without any of the guys. I took more shifts. I needed money for the break. Before Uryuu left, I had to ask him. I couldn't not. "Do you know when Rukia's leaving?" Asking it felt wrong. It felt pathetic. He gave me a sympathetic look. "She leaves the same day as you. Last one in the house too." His voice was soothing. I'm pretty sure he was probably thinking something along the lines of, "This poor son of a bitch. He's going to throw himself in front of the truck again." Well yeah. He would be right unfortunately. I worked until eleven o'clock at night before the morning I was leaving. I walked through the quad slowly. It was empty and quiet. The wind was the only whistle I heard. It was probably around five or ten degrees Fahrenheit. The snow was coming down calmly, but it was packing. I distinctly remember the emotions I felt that night. I knew I was going to confront her again. But I was so afraid. I hadn't tried to talk to her in over two months. My body was screaming in anxiety. My heart pounded so hard it felt like it was in my throat. I couldn't even walk at one point. I sat down on a bench and shivered in the winter air. It was somehow so beautiful though. The trees were covered in snow; the stars were surprisingly out; yet it all in some way ached along with me. It was a perfect picture of sadness in my mind.

Finally, I pushed myself toward her house. Adrenaline was kicking in. I saw her bedroom window from the sidewalk and I saw the light on behind the curtain. She was there. I knew she was there. Her silhouette moved past the window. I swallowed hard, and then walked up to the door. My fist hesitated knocking, but then I let it go. It was a few powerful knocks. I waited; peeked up at the window. I heard no movement. "Please, Rukia," I whispered to myself. I knocked even harder and longer as well as rang the doorbell. I waited; still nothing. I _knew_ she was there. I tried knocking one more time, and then suddenly, her window light went off. My heart dropped into my gut. I stood staring at the closed door in front of me. I wanted to scream; yell; explode. I wanted her to see my pain. I blamed her for everything wrong with me. She even made me believe that there was something wrong with me to begin with. What kind of person am I that I make someone feel disgusted and afraid of them self just by being around me? What was wrong with me?

I looked down at my wrist. The friendship bracelet. I still never took it off. I saw it every day. But this was it. Friends don't treat friends like this. Friends don't constantly hurt you. Enemies hurt you. Somewhere down the line she had become my enemy. I pulled the bracelet off of my wrist. It was actually fucking stubborn. It wouldn't come off easily. But once it did, I held it in my fist tightly. And then finally, I placed it on the doorstep and turned my back on it without looking back.

I dragged myself back to my house and once I closed the front door behind me, I collapsed. Every part of my body felt immovable. I had no strength left in my muscles. Pain coursed through my veins. I screamed as loud as I wanted to. I punched the wall. I punched the floor next to me. My knuckles began to bleed. I punched the wall again. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I wrote her a text message. "I can't believe how much of a coward you are. You have no idea what the hell you've put me through. I would have never done this to you. But you got your way. I hope you're happy now." I stared at it for a few minutes until finally sending it. She never responded. I didn't expect her to.

I was done. It had built up to such an unbearable level that I wasn't able to handle it. I drank what was left of my seven hundred and fifty milliliter bottle of rum, and when I finished the three-fourths full bottle, I apparently had a few beers too. I can't tell you how many because I blacked out and apparently threw all of them out before I woke up the next morning. I guess I'm a tidy drunk? Anyway, in between all of that, before I officially numbed myself of the pain, I called Uryuu.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Are you busy?"

"No, what's up?"

I felt my jaw clench and nostrils flair. "I can't fucking do this anymore."

"Do what? What happened?" I heard the alarm in his voice.

"I can't stand her somehow being in my life when she literally isn't even there anymore! I can't take how I've been thrown away! I can't take how fucking cowardly she is! I can't stand how she has taken most of my friends! I can't take how she has made my life shit! I can't take how she has been able to affect me this much!" I slammed my fist against the wall a few times, and when I finished speaking, I took a swig of rum.

"Hey, calm down. What triggered this?" He was worried. Part of me felt relief hearing the concern. It meant I mattered to someone. I needed that proof at that current moment.

"I went to her fucking house! I knew she was there too! Her bedroom light was on! And after I pounded on the God damn door so many fucking times, I finally saw her turn her light off! I was fucking ignored!" I took a breath and softened. Anger was replaced by desperateness and agony. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the wall. "I can't take it, Uryuu… I can't do it anymore."

"Come on. I know we haven't been around that much for you. That's our fault and I'm sorry for that. I know it has to be hard, but you're going home tomorrow! You get to get away for a bit. You just need to go home and relax; clear your mind. It'll be good for you. You have to know you're gonna feel better. It just takes time." He really was trying to help me. I know he was trying, but I wasn't having it.

"I've already had fourth months, Uryuu. It's still getting worse."

"Well I believe in you. You won't let this beat you. You're strong. I'll help you when we get back. I'll help you move on." There was that word again: "strong." He said it so confidently too. I didn't understand how I was so strong. Nothing about what I felt seemed like I had any sort of strength. If I was so strong, I thought I would be immune to anything like this. And that wasn't the only thing he said that bothered me. '_I'll help you move on._' That hit me like a wrecking ball. I had to move on. That was my next step. I had to let it go. I had no idea how to do that. I didn't have any closure. I didn't have any answers to why everything turned out this way. I didn't want to move on.

I didn't reply to him right away. I didn't want to be told optimistic beliefs. That wasn't why I called him. I called him to finally express how I felt. I hid every feeling and I just wanted to have someone taste a piece of this shit sandwich. That was the point of this phone call. So I decided to end it there.

"I'm gonna go. I have some things I need to do before I leave tomorrow." My voice was emotionless.

"Are you gonna be okay?" He was still worried. But what could he really do? Whether I felt better or not, he wasn't even here. He couldn't do anything more than what he already had. I wasn't grateful then. Now, I appreciate him caring so much. I wish I understood that more back then.

"I'll be fine. Thanks," I said out of necessity.

"Let me know if you need anything, okay?" He was hesitant on letting me go. But again, what else could he do?

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye," he said softly. I hung up and went straight for the bottle. I know that was a horrible idea, but that isn't even all of it. I washed a few anti-depressant pills down with my Bacardi Razz. I'm not sure what my intentions were. I'd like to say I wasn't trying to never wake up again, but I can't honestly commit to that answer. I know I didn't want to be conscious. That was pretty obvious. I think I convinced myself somewhere in there that I deserved all of it; that I couldn't feel any worse so why not?

I don't remember the entirety of that night after that point. The last thing I recall is my vision starting to go loopy and falling down the stairs. I got up and was apparently fine enough to walk, but after that my memory fails me.

I woke up on the floor next to my bed. I realized I failed to make it to my bed, which was pretty pathetic in my mind. I mean come on, it was right there. But anyway, thank God I remembered to set my alarm on my phone because I had a seven in the morning train to catch. In other words, I was still drunk when I woke up. I sobered up on the train and realized how much of a fucking moron I was when my head wanted to blow up and I believed the sun needed to be destroyed. I wasn't even on the window side too.

Thinking through how my night went, I felt drained. I was exhausted. I'm never able to sleep on trains. I think it's because I'm so nervous of sleeping through my stop, but regardless, I felt myself starting to doze off. My head started to do that nodding thing. Then suddenly, I feel someone palm my head. It jerked me awake and I was this close to saying, "What the fuck," when I realized it was an old lady who could barely walk who mistook my head for the back of my seat. That really pissed me off. Sleep would have been perfect, but of course Ichigo Kurosaki's life isn't supposed to go his way.

Finally, I had to get off. My parents were there waiting for me. Smiles were huge. Seeing them look at me like that, I had the sudden urge to start crying. My throat clogged up. I had to force a swallow. I walked toward them, unknowingly quickening my pace. I dropped my bag on the ground and wrapped my arms around my mom. She squeezed me tightly. I fault the urge to cry again. "How ya doin?" she asked smiling at me when she pulled away.

I nodded and smiled softly back at her. "I'm good. Glad to be home." My dad was grinning and pulled me in for an embrace. He then bent down and picked up my back. "How was your ride down?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm exhausted. And an old woman used my head as a railing." I had to explain that. They got a kick out of that one. I settled in the back of the car, the streetlights of my hometown flashing past us. I was home. It was sinking in.

"Your mother made you pot roast for dinner. It's in the microwave waiting for you," my dad said as he drove. My favorite. My heart swelled.

"Thank you… so much," I said behind them with my eyes clenched tight. And then I broke. But the only ones who saw my tears were the passing streetlights in the dark night.

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><p>Hopefully my mind keeps up this fast updating thing. Hope you enjoyed!<p> 


	4. It Is What It Is

Hey! Here's the next chapter. Its named after a Lifehouse song. Enjoy.

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><p><em>Chapter 4: It Is What It Is<em>

My winter break was meant to focus on my mind recovering. My parents were aware of my depression. It wasn't a surprise. I've had the symptoms way before Rukia came into the picture. It just never blew up to this magnitude before. It's safe to say my parents were concerned about me. I filled them in. Why lie to them when I obviously had a problem? I found out later how my parents really felt about the situation. They wanted to go find and her and beat the crap out of her. It makes me chuckle thinking about it. Protective, ya think? No, it wasn't completely out of line. I considered punching her in the face a few times, but that wouldn't be very gentlemanly, would it? Friends at home didn't understand it either. They pitied me. They wanted to give her a piece of their mind like my parents, I suppose. It wasn't there battle though. As much as I wanted them to, they weren't involved. They hadn't seen it up close and personal. They saw me, which some might argue would have been enough reason to allow it, but not me. I stopped one of my best friends from home from coming to visit me during the first semester because I didn't want someone to have to come into a shitty environment that was created. It didn't seem fair.

I went to the doctors and was prescribed a different medication. Apparently the one I was taking wasn't doing the trick. But as the break came to a close, I exponentially became afraid. The night before returning home was so clear in my mind. It was so horrible; so damaging. I didn't want to go back to that state. It wasn't rational. I had supposedly gotten a bit better by being home. Being told that, I feared it would vanish just as my foot hit the torturing territory.

My parents brought me to the train station. I could tell by the look in their eyes they were scared. They were sending their child back to something that wasn't healthy. They were afraid I'd do something to hurt myself. Sadly, I felt like I couldn't convince them otherwise. I was afraid of that as well. I knew I showed it. I knew I looked like a nervous wreck. Even the thought that this might be the last time I see my parents ran through my mind. I couldn't control anything. My life wasn't in my hands and I didn't understand how that was possible.

With long embraces and a kiss on the cheek, I said goodbye and boarded the train. It felt like the longest ride I ever had. I was anxious. I believed in myself. People told me I could do this. People also told me that Enrique Iglesias was gay; I believed that too. They were wrong on both accounts.

When I stepped into my house, I heard the commotion in the living room. I made my way there, and was bombarded by Momo and Orihime. They threw themselves on me. I stumbled back a little from the impact, but it made me laugh, shockingly. I crushed them with my arms. Letting them go, Chad came over and bear hugged me; lifting me off the ground and everything. "I missed you, buddy!"

"Me too. Now put me down, you show off." I couldn't stop smiling. Rangiku planted a nice kiss on my cheek, which took me by surprise. Renji held out his hand and I slapped it and pounded. "We're drinking tonight."

"Well I can see you like settling in first…" I commented.

Tatsuki jumped on my back and ruffled up my hair. "Not the hair! Ah, damn it!" I laughed despite the misfortunate. She hopped off my back. It was weird. It was almost like I forgot I had people that cared about me here. I didn't even consider anyone else when I was thinking about returning. She took over my thoughts. She blocked what was still good in my life.

Uryuu stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets and a kind smile. "Good break?"

I sighed and began to nod. "Yeah. I guess so." At that moment, Kaien and Rukia came walking in from the living room. "You didn't like it? I thought it had a nice beat," he defended what I assumed was some song. His eyes caught sight of me. "Oh hey, Kurosaki. Welcome back."

"You too," I said before letting myself lock with her violet eyes. "Hey," I said softly with a nod in her direction.

"Hi," she said with a fake smile that flashed for a second before turning her gaze away from me.

Acknowledged; that made me want to do flips. At least I didn't _immediately_ feel invisible. Although, I had to realize how much of a bitch she would look like if she didn't say something back to me. That was more likely the case in my eyes.

Due to Renji's persistence, we started a little drinking party. His excuse this time was to celebrate being back. To my annoyance, Kaien and Rukia went up to his room. "Uh oh! Looks like that long absence made them crave somethin'!" Rangiku commented with a few "woohoos". It was probably nothing like that. Or at least that's what I told myself. Did Kaien finally make it on her radar? Were they getting to an intimate point? Better yet, why was I even thinking that? That was known of my business. We weren't even friends anymore. Why should I care who she starts seeing? Then again, maybe I was jealous of how close they were getting on a personal level. Maybe I thought she was replacing me. I realized I wasn't supposed to be thinking those kinds of things. I was "moving on". I had to let her go.

The new semester started off well. I was opening up again. I was talking to everyone, being seen in public, met new people. It was like I actually had my own life again. That familiar pain continued to pop up every day, but I managed to push it down. I pretended to be happier than I really was. My thought process behind it was that if I pretended enough, I could convince myself that I was really happy, and then eventually it would be true because I would have forgotten the pain. That's how I maneuvered.

Senna sent me a text every now and again, but the times that happened kept getting further away. It was fine with me. Perhaps we served each other's purpose for that time period of our lives.

Every time I went to the gym, I saw Nel. I started actually having conversations with her when I went. Her major fooled me. I would have never guessed she wanted to be a lawyer. I don't know. I always imagine lawyers to be like Jim Carey in _Liar, Liar_ before his son wishes for him to stop being a complete douche bag. She was nothing like that. She was kind and comforting to talk to. I ended up enjoying going to the gym more and more because I knew I would see her.

I was talking to Chad one night on the couch. He was telling me about this girl he met in one of his nutrition classes. Yeah, mister muscles planned to be a nutrition therapist. "There's something about her. She's so shy and so pure…" he said staring off into a daze.

"You do realize how ridiculous you sound, right?" I commented with a questionable stare.

"Oh shut up. You have no faith in love!" he argued as he threw his back more into the couch.

"_Love_?" I exclaimed. "You're that head over heels for this chick?" He'd only known her for like a month and a half!

"I know I've only known her for like a month and a half," he answered my thoughts. "But I can't stop thinking about her. She makes me nervous. I can't focus in class with her shampoo scent wafting into my face!"

"What's the scent?"

"Something tropical. I can't quite figure it out."

"Well you've got the rest of the semester to learn her shampoo type…" I replied with amusement. He sounded like an idiot. Now if this conversation happened, I'd be envious. I'd love to have that kind of emotion taking over my every thought. It's such a hopeful feeling.

Kaien came walking into the living room for a second. "Hey, I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back later."

"Where you going?" Chad asked with curiosity.

"I'm hanging with Rukia. Later," he answered as he left in a rush.

I sat there letting the annoyance grab a hold of my gut and twist it into a knot. What was it about Kaien? Was it his charm? His obvious admiration? Was he attractive to her? Why was I thinking on that level again?

"Nothing's going on between them, or at least to anyone's knowledge," Chad said, which knocked me out of my thoughts.

"Why does it matter?" I replied trying to look nonchalant.

He shrugged. "Looked like you were thinking something. And it looked like whatever you were thinking was upsetting you."

I laughed. "None of that matters, big guy. She's a grown woman; she can do whatever she wants." Or _whoever_ she wants.

"You know you don't have to pretend, right? You can be honest about stuff with me. I'm not gonna judge or anything." He was being a faithful friend. He made me question my way of living at the moment. I had it planned. I was pretending for a reason. Was that so wrong? Was there really a better way? It didn't seem possible for me.

I bowed my head to look at my lap and nodded a bit. "I know," I said softly. "I just… don't want to harp on it anymore." I looked back up at him with a slight smile, "Ya know?"

He nodded. "I'm here if you ever wanna take a break from your life style."

"Thanks, man."

From then on, every time I looked at Kaien, all I saw was him with Rukia. I started thinking he took over my life and then some. Did he even feel bad about what happened between me and her? For some reason I felt like he really didn't care because he finally got what he wanted. I started disliking him more and more. Maybe it was unfair of me, but I didn't care. If he was able to take my place, she would never think twice about me. Could she have possibly liked him more than she ever liked me?

"Ichigo!" Kaien yelled from across the table.

I shook my head to come back to reality. "What?"

"I've been asking you for the past thirty seconds to pass the milk," he responded with irritation.

"Oh. My bad," I answered and began to pass it to him. Then I stopped. Why was I giving him the milk? He didn't go out to get it. He didn't make sure it was kept fresh in the refrigerator, or make sure it was up to date. He didn't deserve this milk! It was my milk!

His hand gripped on to the other side of the carton and began pulling it. "Ichigo, I got it. You can let go." Oh that's exactly what he wanted me to do! He wanted me to let go of it; to just hand it over with no problem whatsoever. "Come on, man. Let go!" he exclaimed, which made me finally loosen my grip. "What the hell's up with you?"

I stood up from my chair and tossed my bowl in the sink. "You don't even know how much effort went into having that milk!" I said before storming out of the room. Yeah, I can admit I was being a little insane and perhaps a bit of an asshole. But something came over me. That was technically my God damn milk! I slammed myself onto my bed and stared at the ceiling, rubbing my forehead in frustration.

"I have issues," I said out loud. "Milk? Seriously?" I sighed in annoyance. I think both you and I know that milk wasn't the problem here. I was starting to lose my mind. She wasn't a damn object. But it did feel like he stole her from me. Well, I guess he didn't _steal_ her. He just swooped in at the precise moment and took over. It was him that was in my way. I thought we were frien- Okay, I'll be honest. We weren't that great of friends to begin with. But it just seems messed up to do that to someone you know or even live with. She told me more than once that she didn't want him. It wasn't like that with him. At this point, it seemed like it was very much like that.

Here I was again, freaking out on whether or not Kaien and her have been breaking the springs on her mattress.

There was a knock at my door. I sat up on my bed and told them to come in. It was Chad. "Hey, you ready to go to the gym?"

"Nah, man. I think I'll pass today." I wasn't in the mood. My mind was too jumbled and for once I didn't want to ignore it; I wanted to understand it.

"But you'll be leaving Nel disappointed," he added with a grin.

Nel. We looked forward to our gym run-ins. I felt bad ditching her, but it would only be this one time. "Tell her I'll see her next time."

"Whatever you say, bro." He left me to my insanity. I laid back down on my bed with my hands behind my head. So I knew I was jealous of their friendship, but something else was going on here. I kept thinking X-rated things about them and it was making me nauseas. Then, something came into my thoughts that made me tense. Could I possibly have feelings for Rukia? I had to consider this. It made sense, didn't it? I somehow started hating Kaien more than I felt necessary. Every time I think of her, my heart breaks a little more each time. Sure an intense friendship can most likely do that, but what if it was more for me?

I imagined being with her more than I have been in the past. It was weird. We were never anything like that. I don't understand how I could ever think something like that. I tried remember times when we were together to see if there were any signs.

I remember one summer when I went to visit her. We went out late at night and lay down on the fresh grass and stared up at the stars. We talked about anything that came to mind. The hot weather, friends from school, what you would trade a snack pack for; we came up with an Oreo with a piece of banana in the middle. It's called Banana Oreo. Tell your friends. Anyway, we laid there on a blanket staring up. Probably saw a total of five shooting stars that night.

"Do you think you'll remember me?" she asked so simply. I leaned up on my elbow and turns to face her. "What?"

"Years from now, you think you'll remember me?" she repeated it casually as she remained laying down with one hand behind her head.

I shook my head and laughed. "Where the hell did this come from?"

She shrugged. "Just answer it."

"I don't think it's possible to forget you. I mean, I've tried many times and it hasn't work out," I answered with a smirk. She kicked me in response. I laughed.

"Seriously!" she exclaimed.

I sighed. "Seriously?" I paused for a second and looked up at the stars. "I don't see why I would." I turned back to look down at her with a sincere smile. She smiled back, but most of it was seen within her eyes. They reflected the stars from the night sky. It made me feel whole staring back at her; like everything in my life was oka- Holy shit!

I shot up on my bed after interrupting my reminiscing. It was there! That feeling was there back then! It seemed obvious how she felt thinking back, but I was so blind then to her _and_ to myself. Why did it take this long to realize this? This entire time I had been lying to myself. She knew how she felt. And by the looks of it, she knew a long time ago. She was my best friend. And at some point, she became everything.

But I had my revelation too late. Everything was screwed up. She hated me. _I_ even started hating her. I didn't like this new Rukia. It was the old one that I cherished. I ran my hand through my orange hair. I hadn't had it cut in awhile. I had to push some of it behind my ear because it was getting that long. Recognizing that, I noticed that I had changed since all of this started. I was different. She probably was too. We became two completely different people throughout this. Funny how I realized how I felt when nothing was the same. But now that I understood how I felt toward her, I started to mourn for it. I might have been able to have it all back then. After all this, the suffering I've gone through, it was because I might have… It wasn't something I wanted to fully admit. What was the point anyway? It wouldn't make things better.

I spent hours lying there lost in thought. My mind fought with itself. I let myself get carried away that day. I let all my feelings have a full-on attack. I had a dream that night that my hand was cut off and bleeding. I was kneeling down and screaming in pain. Well, not actually screaming. You know those times when you're supposed to be, but you're dreaming so it's an awkward silent scream? Yeah, that. So I was on my knees screaming because my hand felt like molten lava, and surrounding was a circle of people that I didn't recognize. I screamed for help, but no one helped me. I just continued to writhe in agony. That was my entire dream. I woke up in a sweat and pretty damn disturbed.

My life continued. The same thoughts plagued my mind, but I kept moving; kept living. Things would bother me now and then, but I couldn't do anything about it. That's life. You can't have everything the way you want. So I started to try and accept things and the way they had become.

Then, one night happened. It was the weekend. We were throwing a party at our house. I was going to be a part of it with everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean _everyone_. Rukia was coming. It took a lot of courage on my part to actually convince myself I was going to take part anyway when I found out. We started pregaming a little before we expected people. We all looked pretty classy in my opinion. We never went out in rags. Always dress to impress; Renji's third or fourth rule. I can't really remember them. One of them was 'Make sure you go home with a bang.' And he meant that literally. Actually, that was probably his first rule.

When we were taking shots and getting ready to let people in to the party, I noticed Rukia was glued to Kaien. Not in a sexual way, I just mean she wouldn't leave his side. But it didn't bother me. That's what I kept telling myself.

Renji expected some girl to bring a few friends, who of course he was probably planning on completing rule number one with. Chad knew a few people, I knew a few, and so. We all contributed to the invites. The music was danceable, the drinking games seemed entertaining, and people looked happy. The party seemed like a success not too long after it started. I told Uryuu to sign us up for beer pong. I was excited to let loose, especially after seeing Kaien guide Rukia through the house with his hand on the small of her back. I needed a beer.

After a few beers, I started to feel it. I was dancing with some girl that seemed attractive when Uryuu yelled from the other side of the room that it was our turn for pong. I followed Uryuu into the kitchen as he filled me in. "Okay, so we're going up against the undefeated team so far. So get ready," he warned me. Stepping into the kitchen, I noticed the crowd around the table. And in that crowd were Rukia and Kaien. My gut felt a pull when my eyes locked with hers. She quickly looked away and tugged on Kaien to walk away with her. It was then that he realized we were playing next. "No, I definitely want to see how this plays out," he said with a grin. I wanted to punch him. That grin pissed me off. Now Rukia was stuck here. God knows she didn't want to leave his side…

The issue I was having now was that she was in the room watching me. How was I going to able to focus on the game? Uryuu was counting on m-

"Ichigo?" My name brought me out of my thoughts. I looked across the table and dropped my jaw a bit. "Nel?"

She giggled. "I finally run into outside of the gym. And what a way to run into each other," she smiled brilliantly. I couldn't help myself from smirking.

"I know, right? We run into each other by accident and I just happen to ruin your winning streak. Tough break."

Her mouth went agape. "Wow! Mister boxing man talks trash! Okay, Wonder Boy. Let's see what you got."

Uryuu leaned toward me and whispered, "_That's_ Nel? Shit. What have you been doing with your life?"

I laughed. "Apparently the wrong thing until now." I peeked at Rukia for a mere second. She looked upset. It wasn't obvious. I saw her eyes. They were screaming her emotions. I didn't know what was wrong. I assumed it was because we were in the same room together.

The game was pretty close. We were down to our last cups. Sadly, my trash talking wasn't backed up. We lost. I went over and shook her partner's hand and then stood in front of Nel. Her hair was wavy tonight. It made sense that she put more effort into herself for tonight. I only saw her when she went to work. Nobody really cares what they look like at work, but she still always looked cute.

She grinned. "You're very pleased with yourself, aren't you?" I said in shock as I smirked.

"More than you know," she answered with a chuckle. I shook my head at her. "Well now that you beat me, you better not lose," I ordered playfully.

"Oh, I promise I won't. If I leave this table, it's because I retired," she joked.

I laughed and noticed the next team setting up to play. "Well it looks like you've got a job to do. I'll see you when you retire?"

"No doubt," she answered with a soft smile before leaning in and hugging me tightly. When I pulled away and started to make my way out of the kitchen, I noticed Rukia was gone. Kaien was setting up to play with Renji. I looked around and saw no trace of her. I made my way to the living room. I stood on the outskirts and noticed a great amount of people dancing. Then, out of the crowd, Momo came up to me with a beer bottle in hand. "Hey, Ichigo?" she said it in a question, which kind of threw me off. "Yes?"

"Oh. I wasn't sure it was you," she explained. I looked at her as if she was insane, but it was obvious she was drunk. I laughed finally and told her to go dance some more. She agreed and turned to the nearest guy and said, "Let's dance!" and dragged him away. Poor guy.

Chad came over to me. "Hey, you happen to have another bottle opener? It's cool if you don't."

"Uh, I think I might in my room, but it's only a small possibility. I can go check."

"No, you don't have to."

"It's fine," I chuckled. "I'll go check. I'll come find you if I find one." I made my way up the stairs and turned into my bedroom before coming to a complete stop. Sitting on the edge of my bed in the dark was Rukia. My breathing hitched. I felt my hands start to tremble.

"What are you doing in here?" I managed to usher out. I left the light off.

She stared back at me. Her eyes pierced me in the dark. "I honestly don't know." I was afraid to step further into the room. "I'll leave," she said, standing up and walking toward the door; toward me.

"Rukia," I said sternly. She froze. "You were in here for a reason," I pointed out.

I saw her swallow. Emotions were flowing through her. I could see them. "I didn't want to be downstairs anymore," she admitted with a shaky voice.

"But why did you come to my room?" I asked softly.

"Ichigo, just let me leave," she said in what she believed was a steady voice. My name rang volumes in my ears. At that moment, she knew I existed.

"Just answer," I answered in the same easy tone.

"I was waiting for you, okay?" she exclaimed with annoyance.

I sighed heavily. "Why aren't you down there cheering on Kaien?" I said kind of bitterly.

"I didn't want to," she answered with her arms crossed over her chest and her gaze to the side.

"Rukia, don't do this to me," I said strongly, but with a hint of desperation. This was definitely the alcohol talking. "Don't show up and make me think there's hope and then all of a sudden drop me again. Because I can't take-"

Her lips cut me off. Her hands were placed on the side of my head. It was strong and deep. It made me dizzy, which I'm pretty sure wasn't completely the alcohol. But after the initial shock, I kissed her back and pulled her closer. This was happening. It was really happening. My heart was bursting. She was in my arms. She was mine. She wanted me. The party downstairs didn't matter anymore. We were far from reality. I could feel the intensity of her feelings coming off of her body. It was mesmerizing. It pulled me deeper and deeper into a place where I felt nothing, yet everything.

That night felt like a dream. It was the happiest I had felt in a long time. Everything was over. Everything was the way it should be. When I woke up the next morning, I had a smile draped across my face. I took in a deep breath through my nose and let it out slowly. Opening my eyes, I searched my bed for her. Then, my heart began to race. She wasn't there. Her clothes weren't there. I sat up panicked and continued to search the room. I went to reach for my phone on the dresser next to my bed, but as I went for it, I stopped. There was a piece of torn paper left next to it. I picked it up slowly.

_I'm sorry_

I ran my eyes over the words over and over. I knew what this meant. It meant she wished she never did what she did. It meant regret. And as I stared at the paper in my hands, I felt my stitched up heart break open.

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><p>Hoped it entertained!<p> 


	5. Oh Well, Oh Well

Here's the next chapter. Named after the new song by Mayday Parade. Enjoy.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 5: Oh Well, Oh Well<em>

I had her; in my arms; against my lips. She was mine. I could still taste her. What happened? Was I really with her? Was it just a phantom? Perhaps it was just a dream. But I knew it wasn't. Three weeks had passed and her touch still lingered on my skin. It was real yet no one knew. We lived as if it was a fatal secret; one usher of its existence and we would plummet into the depths of the earth. I ached. The day after I woke up abandoned, I saw Rukia on the quad with Kaien. They were holding hands. They were a couple. I remember my chest caving in. An avalanche of emotions occurred. Air was difficult to take in. He kissed her temple. I kissed my dream goodbye.

Something happened to me within the next three weeks. Everything I overcame from the previous semester was brought back. I was in the same darkness again. When she didn't see me, it hurt again. It hurt more. My emotions were exposed to her, and then suddenly, it meant nothing. She had so much control over me. I was her genie trying to fulfill all her wishes, but she wouldn't rub the lamp. I was unable to get out; trapped.

Kaien walked around the house with a smile always present. He was ecstatic. And he should have been. Rukia was finally his. Technically he should have been thanking me. If it wasn't for what happened between me and her, I don't think she would have gone to him. I either scared the hell out of her, or made her see that I wasn't what she really wanted. If the latter was the case, then I was royally screwed because then I would have feelings for her and she wouldn't. That would mean somehow our positions switched from how it was at the beginning.

I was robbed. Everything that I thought I wanted was ripped out from under me. I was almost in a complete stunned state. I had trouble believing that life was really the way it was. It was like being an orphan and then being adopted by some seemingly loving person, who you think will give you a better life until they bring you home and say, "Just kidding, you're meant for the sex trade." …Okay, so it's not really like that. But the betrayal and false hope concept is the same.

I felt used and empty. I was surprised no one commented on my appearance. I must have looked horrible. In fact, I definitely looked awful. I actually had my t-shirt on inside out one day. I didn't notice. I didn't care enough to notice.

"I'm going on a date," Uryuu said abruptly as he sat down at the table in front of me. I stopped in mid bite of my Pop-tart; s'more flavored if you were curious. "With who?" I asked in surprise with a mouth full of deliciousness.

"Orihime." I started choking. Coughing it out, I looked at him with even more astonishment. "How the hell did this happen?"

"I walked her home from a party last weekend. Then, I don't know, something came over me. I kissed her," he said with a goofy grin.

I shook my head with mouth ajar. "I don't even know what to say."

"Say you'll tell me what I should wear?"

I raised an eyebrow. "You sound like a woman," I said before taking another bite.

"Come on, man! I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I got myself into!" he said starting to pull his hair.

"Woah, okay! Settle down. You act like you haven't been on a date before," I said with a chuckle.

"I know. I just don't want to mess this up," he replied sheepishly.

"Well that's adorable," I said sarcastically, which won me a glare. "Where are you going?"

"Dinner and a movie."

"Original…" I sighed. "Just wear casual stuff. Pair of jeans, nicer shirt. Don't try so hard, you might freak her out." As I started processing it, I realized Tatsuki was probably torn apart right about then. Again, our situations seemed to parallel. Orihime was dating someone Tatsuki knew well and Rukia was dating someone I knew well. We had to watch as the person we… had feelings for walked away with someone else. ALL THE TIME. It was right in front of our faces! She had to be feeling something. So I thought, hey, why not be miserable together. If it takes two to tango, then it just makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it? Don't listen to me; I try to make things up so I can make myself happy.

I met up with Tatsuki for dinner that night. As I walked in, I saw her waiting at the table already. Once our eyes locked, I saw it. Heartbroken. I wondered if what I saw was what people saw on me. Taking my seat, I gave her an empathic smile. "Hey, champ."

"Ugh, don't call me champ. That's what my dad called me when he told me him and my mom were getting a divorce," she said burying her face into her hands.

"Yikes. What are the odds of that," I said more to myself. "Well, how're you doin'?"

She laughed. "The love of my life is out on a date with one of our good friends, and I'm here on a date with _you_. Not to offend you or anything, but I'm _really_ not interested."

I smirked. "Guess there's no point in buying that bottle of champagne, huh?"

"Only if you want to get drunk and vandalize something."

"If getting laid isn't an option, that's the next best thing." I ordered that bottle. We were aiming to lose feeling in parts of our body. After listening to her talk about how she felt, all I could do was hurt with her in secret. I understood her completely. The only difference is that I actually had something happen between me and Rukia. I wanted to explode with all the emotions inside me. And after the fourth glass of champagne, I decided something.

Tatsuki held the glass in her hand and looked at it with dissatisfaction. "Ya know, I've never really liked champagne. It does the job though"

"I slept with Rukia," I announced without waiting for the period at the end of her sentence. She looked at me with wide eyes and a questionable look until finally she spoke.

"What?"

I sighed. "You heard me."

She shook her head. "W-when?" she exclaimed.

"About three weeks ago. At the party we hosted at our house." The answers were flowing out. It seemed like what I was saying was of no big deal.

"Does anyone-"

"No one else knows," I interrupted her. She sighed heavily. "But she's dating Kaien…"

"They started the day after," I replied with a softer tone. That answer hurt more.

"I don't understand. I thought she was in love with you," Tatsuki said with obvious confusion.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I've grown to believe that I will never understand."

She hesitated before asking, "Do you… love her?"

I was caught off guard. Meaning I was speechless. "I… that's not really the point here."

"It's a pretty big point if you ask me."

"It's more like a needle point."

"No, grandma, it's more like a mountain point."

"That's a peak, dumbass."

"Then it's a fucking important peak!" she argued. She sighed. "Listen, you should probably figure that out soon."

"Why? It's not like she would come running into my arms or anything."

"Maybe she doesn't know your arms are open…" Tatsuki suggested before sipping her glass.

"I think it's pretty obvious my arms are open. And I thought hers were too."

"Apparently that was just her legs."

"Wow!" I yelled, which got me a few looks from other patrons. She cringed and then gave an apologetic smile.

"Sorry. But maybe if you really loved her, you would make sure she knew. You wouldn't give up," she advised.

"Speak for yourself," I said finishing my glass.

"Hey! It's not the same and you know it," she reasoned. I knew it wasn't. Orihime wasn't interested in boobs. There was no chance for Tatsuki.

"I know, I know. For now, I'll drink my problems away and try to understand why women have the ability to create insanity," I said raising my newly filled glass.

"Amen to that," Tatsuki said as she clinked my glass with hers.

The night was a shit show after that. Tatsuki had the brilliant idea to throw eggs at one of her professors' house. It was within walking distance. Don't drink and drive. Hey, if you're reading this, might as well give _some_ good advice out. So anyway, we started to do that until the very protective Rottweiler that was sleeping on the porch realized what a bunch of idiots we were. It chased us two blocks before I threw a shoe at it. It stopped to eat my Lacoste sneaker. By the way, it was raining. So I was walking around with one shoe after that. I said this before and I'll say it again; wet socks are fucking gross.

We went back to my house, drank some more, spilled more of our hearts on the floor, and then crashed on the couch. We were in hangover central the next morning. Woke up to Chad making himself a protein shake with the blender. Tatsuki and I fought each other on who was going to kick his ass first. After pushing and shoving; trying to get passed each other, I took my only remaining show and threw it out of the living room and into the kitchen where I saw his back facing us. "Ow!" Success.

"You know, I'm not as nauseas as I thought I'd be," Tatsuki commented.

"Morning, friends! I had a wonderful time last night!" Uryuu exclaimed with over the top happiness.

"I take back my previous statement," Tatsuki frowned. I couldn't help a chuckle. "I'm gonna go home and throw up," she said with an annoyed sigh. "See ya, Ichigo."

"Stay hydrated!" I yelled as she went out the door. I turned to Uryuu who still wore a grin. I gave him a stoic look. "Get lucky?"

"I think I'm in love!"

"Uh… that's not really what I meant."

"What? Oh! No, not yet. But it was such an amazing night. She was beautiful! And just all around enchanting," he said with a far off look as he flopped onto the couch.

"_Enchanting_? Shit, man. You really are a woman."

"Fuck you, Kurosaki. At least I've got something going for me," he said back irritably. For some reason, that really pissed me off. It hurt more than he knew.

"Wow… Well I guess I'm just not as good as some people," I said bitterly before standing up and walking out of the room. I made my way up the stairs to my room. I was angry, but more at the situation than him. He just happened to bring something up that was a sensitive subject to me. Any other time in the past, I would have ignored it or made some snide comment like, "There are too many women after me for me to choose."

I needed to get more sleep. My head was pounding. I fell onto my bed without changing any clothes. I closed my eyes and begged for sleep to take me. My phone started buzzing in my pocket. I groaned. That wasn't what I asked for. Taking it out, I answered without seeing who it was. "Hello?" I said in a not too thrilled tone.

"Hi."

My entire body woke up. It was like having ice cold water thrown on top of you. I sat up in a flash. "Uh, h-hey." I ran a hand through my messy hair. Rukia.

"How are you?" her voice seemed distant; in a figurative sense.

"I'm… I'm good," I answered. Then, I shook my head in disagreement. "No, actually, I'm not good. I'm not good at all, Rukia."

"Ichigo, please."

"Don't 'Ichigo, please' me! You know exactly how I feel! And I have a right!" the anger I had from minutes before was adding to the fire.

"Yes, you do," she answered calmly. "I called you to make sure you know that I'm sorry."

"Oh I know. Your precious little note told me," I spat out bitterly. "But exactly what are you sorry for? For hurting me? Or for sleeping with me?"

"Ichigo, this wasn't supposed to be an argument-"

"Then what the hell was it supposed to be? What was the point in calling me, Rukia? Tell me. Why bother?"

"I just needed to!" she yelled back weakly.

"How about the next time you need to talk, you go fucking talk to Kaien! I'm sure he'd sit and roll over for you before he tries to get in your pants!" I hung up after that. Something was let loose inside me. I had no filter. My chest was in so much pain. I rocked my body back and forth. I questioned if I was having a heart attack. I wasn't, but it was so excruciating. Why did she think it was okay to call me? Jesus, if I looked at my caller ID beforehand, I'm not sure if I would have even answered it. I was so upset with her; so angry. But I still wanted her. How sick is that? It's fucking demented how that's possible. If there really is a God, he is a sick fuck for giving us so many ways to feel like shit. I mean, it had gotten to the point where I was eating shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I was tired of it.

I slammed back onto my bed. Tatsuki's voice echoed in my head. _"Do you… love her?"_ That was ridiculous. I couldn't be in love with her. The idea was beyond absurd. Maybe I had feelings, which was pretty obvious, but love is a different thing entirely. Love was a big deal. I didn't think it was that extreme. Jesus, I didn't even know how she felt about me anymore. I wished I was being more rational on the phone. Maybe I could have gotten some answers out of her.

There was a knock at my door. I told them to come in. Renji opened the door with a look of concern. "Yo, bro. Everything cool in here? I heard some yelling."

"Everything's fine," I answered harshly.

He paused and then stepped further into my room. His hands rested in his pants pockets. He looked around awkwardly before speaking. "You know, when I get pissed I find something I can break," he suggested lightly.

"I'm not angry, Renji," I answered staring up at the ceiling.

"Pencils, glass bottles, broke a guitar once; really regretted that one. So try to stick with smaller things-"

"I said I'm fine!" I replied staring back him.

He frowned. "You're being a God damn idiot. Who are you trying to impress? Me? I didn't know you were homo."

"Fine! I'm pissed! Happy?"

"About what?"

"The fact that Rukia has fucking ruined my life!" That left him a bit speechless. I was actually speechless too. I didn't plan on that coming out of my mouth.

"Dude… why does she have such a strong hold on you?" he asked surprisingly soft.

I frowned. "I wish I knew."

"You're better than this, man. Don't let her make you feel anything less than what you are." His eyes held such intensity. It was the first time I had ever heard Renji say something so… meaningful. And it meant a lot.

I smirked. "Now who's getting all homo?"

He smiled, "Psh, whatever. You're a sexy piece of ass. Now get up, you're goin' to the basketball game with me and Chad."

"I can't. I'm so dead. If you want me goin' out tonight, you gotta let me sleep."

"Ah, fine. I'll see you later, bitch." I smiled at his exit. He had the ability to surprise you now and then. I laid there thinking about what he said. Was I better than this? Maybe he just had too much faith in me. I sighed. I needed to get some sleep.

The party was the same as any other party. None of it entertained me though. I stopped drinking halfway through the night. I wasn't feeling it. It could have been because I was still feeling the regrets from drinking the night before, but it really was that I wasn't in the mood. Rukia was glued to Kaien all night. Surprise, surprise. But the thing is that she _still_ pretended I wasn't there. Even after our conversation earlier on the phone. You'd think someone would at least acknowledge someone who is absolutely pissed and frustrated with you. But she seemed to respond to my outburst with an 'okay, we'll go back to treating him like shit' reaction. And that was _not_ okay with me. I felt like that gum bubble that gets so big that you slowly keep putting more air into it, unknowing when it will actually pop.

Rangiku grabbed me during the party. "Hey, this place is starting to blow. We're gonna take it back to our place for the rest of the night."

"Right. Sounds good." I sat bored at the girls' house. Everyone was getting rowdy, trying to make up for a failed night. Kaien and Renji got into an argument on who could beat who in a wrestling match. Tatsuki and Chad stepped in and offered their participation. The former two bowed out pathetically and resulted in Kaien and Renji arm wrestling. Momo and Rangiku started doing some sort of gymnastic moves, which seemed completely random to me. Orihime and Uryuu were close on the couch and laughing about something.

I made my way for the bathroom, but just as I reached for the doorknob, Rangiku came flying in before me. "Use the one upstairs!" she yelled practically slamming the door in my face. I glared at the wood before making my way upstairs. Just as I was about to step into the bathroom, I stopped. I slowly turned to see Rukia's bedroom door shut. My breathing grew heavier. I was debating something. Was it going to get me anywhere? Was it pointless? With a quick deep breath, I went for the door. Opening it, I stepped inside and closed it behind me. She had been dealing with clothes at her dresser.

Fully alert and turning away from her dresser, she spoke. "What are you doing?"

"We need to talk."

"Not anymore."

"You wanted to talk earlier."

"That was then. This is now."

"Things can't always follow _your_ schedule, Rukia."

"Get out."

I shook my head and frowned, "No. I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me."

"I have nothing to say to you!" she started raising her voice.

"You should have everything to say to me! Do you really plan on walking around here and pretending I don't exist? We have over three months left!" I matched her volume.

"And I can't wait until these three months are over so I never have to see your face again!"

I froze. My voice became softer. "What is _wrong_ with you? Why don't you tell me what I did to deserve all of this bullshit? Go ahead."

"Get. Out!" she yelled even louder. Uryuu and Momo came storming through the door. "What's going on?" Momo asked calmly.

"Can you get him out of here?" she demanded to our friends. I spun around to stare at them. "If you guys care at all, you won't make me go anyway," I said with such passion.

Momo stared sadly back at me before turning to Rukia. "I think it's about time you two talked."

"This is ridiculous. I don't have to be here," Rukia said more to herself. She started making her way toward the door, but I stepped in front of her.

"Why can't you confront this? What are you so freaked out by?" I questioned.

"Get away from me!" she shrieked as she took a few quick steps back.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Chad asked from the doorway. The rest of them were behind him. Kaien started to push his way through. "What the hell is going on?" He was getting defensive. I was in his territory.

"Oh, calm down, asshole! It doesn't concern you," I replied in irritation.

"You're upsetting my girlfriend, so it _does_ concern me," he threw back.

"Well your girlfriend has some fucking issues."

"Don't talk about her like that!" he yelled, trying to get past Chad, who was holding him back. Plus I think Renji was helping too. He wasn't getting anywhere.

"Listen, Hercules, your little girlfriend doesn't tell you shit. So get out of here before you pop blood vessel."

"Shut the fuck up! You're just jealous!"

"Jealous?" I laughed. "That's not the right term here. Screwed? Yeah, that fits better. Works literally too."

"Ichigo!" Rukia exclaimed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaien focused on me.

"The night before you two became a precious couple, Rukia waited for me in my room."

His eyes grew wide. "You're… you're lying!"

"Sorry, Bub. I loosened her up for ya."

"You son of a bitch!" Kaien shouted. I was impressed. He almost broke free, but he didn't.

"Close the door, damn it!" Uryuu yelled in response. It slammed shut in seconds. Momo and Uryuu remained in the room. Referees?

"You. Disgust me!" Rukia screamed.

"And why is that?" I yelled stepping closer to her.

She tried stepping away, but the room wasn't that big. "Because you make me uncomfortable!"

"And why do I make you uncomfortable?"

"Because you do!"

"Why do I make you uncomfortable, Rukia?" I shouted.

"This is bullshit!" she yelled before darting toward the door. Momo stood firmly in front of it, but that didn't even stop her. She began to shove Momo out of the way so she could get out of the door. That was the last straw. Remember the gum bubble analogy I made earlier? Well I finally popped. She wasn't going to treat anybody else like shit. I moved quickly to her and pulled her off of Momo and against the wall.

"What fuck are you doing?" I screamed at her.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked. Her eyes were dark, almost black. But somehow they blazed with a wild fury. I stood my ground as firmly as I could.

I tried again with my question from before. "Why do I make you uncomfortable?"

"Because you caused everything!" It shocked me. She was blaming me for something. What could she possibly be blaming me for? I let her squeeze out of my perimeter and get back to the other side of the room.

I turned to her cautiously. "What exactly are you blaming me for?"

"My thoughts! You took over my life and now I can't get rid of you! You're always there! You've made me feel this way!" You, you, you. That's all she was saying. I was the reason behind everything that she was going through. She pinned it all on me.

"Are you seriously blaming me for something I don't have any control over?" I was calmer than her.

"Just leave me the fuck alone!" she screamed.

I stared at her with a heavy gaze. She was breaking down. Constantly moving, fidgeting. Breathing was at a heightened pace. Her eyes looked watery. Finally, I spoke softly. "I don't understand how cold you can be. I really don't."

"Fine. Now get out."

"I'm not leaving until you finish this."

Her hands formed into fists. She looked like she wanted to scream her lungs out. "I _hate_ you!"

That was when it got through my steel chest plate. It stabbed deep. I was breathless and in shock. It was such an unexpected blow. It was so passionate. I wanted to collapse. All the courage and strength I had going into this was now gone.

"If you don't leave, I'm calling the cops."

I stood my ground with sorry eyes. "I'm not leaving," I said evenly. I watched as she picked up her phone and dialed a number.

"Ichigo, you have to get out of here," Momo begged as she pulled on my arm. Tears were running down her face.

"I'm not going anyway!"

"Ichigo. You could get arrested!" Uryuu chimed in. "Please, I'm begging you."

I turned my head back slightly to stare at her again. She was looking to the floor as I heard her say, "Hi, there's someone in my room that won't leave…"

My eyes suddenly filled up with tears. Who was she? She was a complete stranger yet somehow she managed to make a tear trail down my cheek. It took so much within me to leave this person. I had to tear myself away. Finally turning away from her, I threw open the door, and ran. I darted down the stairs and out the door. I just kept running and running. I heard feet hitting the ground behind me. Someone was chasing me. I didn't care. I just needed to get away. I ended up running all the way to my house. I flung the door open and kept going until I reached the stairs. It was there that I collapsed. My muscles gave out. My emotions gave out. I actually started to cry. Chad and Uryuu were there within a few seconds. The darkness in my head was so powerful. It burned me. It dismembered me. I tried to fight the anguish, but I couldn't. Something had to have shattered inside of me. I felt like I wouldn't last much longer in the land of the living.

Nothing went as planned. Nothing helped me. Yeah, I found out how she really felt about me, but that made it worse for me somehow. Thinking about it now, I know it definitely had to do with how it all went down. The yelling, the screaming, the cops being called. I still can't believe she called the cops on me. I honestly don't know how she was able to do that. Saying you had to run from the cops sounds so intense until I explain that it was because my former best friend wouldn't calmly talk to me as a human being.

Chad and Uryuu sat next to me on the steps speechless. I wouldn't know what to say either if I were them. There wasn't anything they could do to make me feel more than nothing. I was gone. Coming back from where I was seemed impossible.

"Kaien's staying over there tonight," Chad said gently. I didn't reply. I actually didn't give a crap. I was okay with the idea of him coming back and beating the shit out of me. I wasn't going to fight back either. It seemed only fitting to add some literal fist fights. After months of being invisible, of being treated like a horrible human being, and after being used for her own liking, I was empty. There was no such thing as self-esteem. There was no such thing as hope. Getting better was a joke; a disgusting attempt at humor. I hated myself. I hated what I apparently made her feel. I hated what I seemed capable of. I hated living.

I fell asleep on those very steps. And when I awoke, I wished I hadn't.

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><p>Intense? Maybe? Alright. Let me know!<p> 


	6. Basket Case

Fast updates all around! I'm just kicking ass! This one is named after a Sara Bareilles song. Enjoy!

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><p><em>Chapter 6: Basket Case<em>

I stopped going to class. I couldn't do it. It was physically impossible. I went to work most of the time, but called out a lot. I stopped moving; literally and figuratively. I was frozen. Being around anyone must have dropped their HP by at least half. I saw the way people looked at me. They pitied me. That sad look said, 'You are beyond pathetic that I can't do anything to help you.' Well, that's how I interpreted it. They probably didn't mean it to be as harsh as I took it.

I went out on the weekends in anticipation of blacking out. Alcohol and pot was a must. Even cigarettes started appealing to me. I made sure to get myself fucked up every day of the weekend. People saw me as a party animal; others who knew me better knew I was drowning away my sorrows. Renji always used any excuse to party and get drunk. I didn't even need an excuse. I would drink during the week; alone even.

I remember going to one party on the opposite side of campus. We went in a nice big group. I must have been drunk before I even got to the party because the entire party is absent from my memory. I just remember making my way through the snow with a bunch of people, trying to get to the bus stop. I remember slipping on the ice of the path. I went up in the air backwards and landed down on my knee. Like most people do when they have an embarrassing fall, I jumped up like I was completely fine. Renji asked if I was okay, and I just laughed him off. Standing under the shelter, still waiting for the bus, I started feeling weak. I felt horrible. I didn't know what it was. It wasn't from alcohol. I would have recognized that. I wrapped my arm around Rangiku' shoulders and leaned on her.

"I don't feel well," I managed to push out. Rangiku just wrapped her arm around my waist to steady me. "Hold your vom, Tank. The bus is coming."

"Ichigo!" I heard my name in alarm. Looking up, slightly dizzy, I saw Nel staring at me with fear. I didn't even know she was with us. I smiled weakly at her. She was such a good person. "Ichigo! Your knee!"

I looked at her in confusion, and then looked down at my leg. My jeans from about halfway down my thigh to halfway down my calf was soaked in blood. "Holy shit," I breathed out in a whisper. Suddenly, the pain kicked in. I clenched my teeth and let out a groan. Rangiku had to hold me tighter. Nel ran over and grabbed the other side of me. They helped me onto the bus and Nel sat next to me. I couldn't stop feeling the pain. It was constant and screaming at me.

"It's gonna be okay. When we get off the bus, I'll take you to my place. It's closer than yours."

I let out a yell. "What the hell did I do?"

"I don't know. Just hang in there," she said kindly.

I felt my emotions boiling up. I started crying. I must have been really messed up. I was crying next to a girl that had been interested in me for months on a public bus. "I'm tired of this shit," I spit out.

"What shit?" she asked calmly. She placed her hand on my thigh for comfort.

"Everything. My God damn life."

"What's wrong, Ichigo?" she asked with so much concern. Why was she worrying so much? I didn't understand it. Of course I realize now it's because I had a gaping hole on my knee and was emotionally unstable. But I didn't want the concern. I wasn't worth it in my eyes.

I didn't answer her. I just continued to be a mess until she had to drag me off the bus. She steadied me more than I expected because she managed to get me to her house in what seemed like two minutes. I could be entirely wrong on that though. She took me to her couch and sat me down.

"Crap. I don't know how I'm gonna get to your knee. Your jeans won't fold up that easily. It would probably hurt you," she reasoned as she stared at my bloodied jeans.

"Give me your hand," I said wincing.

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She held it out and I took it, standing to my feet unbalanced. She placed her hands on the sides of my arms. "What are you doing?"

"Taking off my pants." I said it like it wasn't an issue. If I was sober at least the slightest, I probably would have seen her blush. It wasn't a big deal to me. Boxers were fine just as long as the hole in the front stayed obedient.

I pushed them down as far as I could while standing. Then, I fell back down to the couch in pain. "Damn it!" They wouldn't go any further down than my knee.

I saw Nel bend down and begin to gently pull them off. It still hurt like a bitch, but I don't think anyone else could have done it as smoothly as her. "Oh my god," I heard her say. The blood was smeared all over my leg. She got up and returned with wet paper towels. She began wiping the red away. I hissed when she got too close to my cut. Then, she left again and returned with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a bandage.

"I don't understand how you did this. There isn't a hole in your jeans, but you have this deep gash into your kneecap."

"I'm talented, I guess," I managed to joke before hissing.

"I'm going to pour this on it now. It's probably gonna hurt a lot," she warned. I braced myself, and then she poured. And fuck me. Because that hurt like a son of a bitch. It bubbled and fizzed. I looked like a Sprite can being opened. Plus some red.

She wrapped the bandage around my knee. "You're gonna have to go get this looked at tomorrow," she said with finality.

"Yeah, probably," I agreed as I leaned myself back into the couch. She got up and sat beside me. "So, how ya doin'?" she asked softly.

I let out a chuckle and smirked. "Fan-tastic."

"You were pretty upset on the bus…" she hinted at.

I sighed. "I'm a pretty upset person," I said finally looking back at her.

"Why?" she asked with sadness in her tone. It wasn't a tone of pity. It was as if she wanted to help more than just wish it away. It caught me off guard.

"I… I've fallen too far to get back up." The ache in my chest was becoming more prominent.

"I don't think there's such thing," she answered confidently and with a small smile. It left me speechless. "No matter how bad it has gotten, I think there is always a way to get back to good. It might take a lot of work, but I think you can do it." She was so certain of me. I didn't understand why. Her eyes looked at me like I mattered more than anything. I hadn't seen anyone give me that look since… well, I can't remember when anyone ever gave me that look. I didn't understand. What was she seeing that I wasn't? She saw something in me that I didn't believe in. I saw it as her believing in Santa Claus and I had grown too old to believe anymore. How did she have such faith?

I stared deep into her eyes. "I don't think I can," I whispered. "I don't think it's in the cards for me."

"Not when you're thinking like that," she pointed out. "What makes you think so negatively?"

I gave a single chuckle. "I don't even know where to begin to answer that one."

"At the beginning?" she suggested with a caring smile.

It left me staring at her with mouth ajar. How was she doing it? She was pulling me out of my shell. She was making me confront myself. "I've been used and trampled on in the past."

She frowned, "So what is it that pulled you over the edge?"

"What makes you think there was one thing that got me here?"

"Well most of the time, when people hit a kind of low like this, it's because something big triggered it." She paused and I assumed stared at my reaction. I set my gaze at nothing in particular. Memories of moments that have scarred me in the past year came flooding to the surface. "What was your trigger, Ichigo?"

I snapped back to reality and locked eyes with her again. I smirked. "I lost someone that was very important to me."

Her face showed shock. Her hand rose to cover her mouth. "Oh God, I'm so sorr-"

"No! She isn't dead!" I corrected with an awkward chuckle. "Just no longer a part of my life."

"Oh," she replied. "Was she your…"

I waited a second longer than I should have. "She was my best friend." Something put her at ease by that statement. She was probably glad I didn't say girlfriend or whatever. Best friend was the best definition I could give. I didn't really know how to define her anymore.

"Have you tried talking to her?"

I wanted to laugh so hard. I bit down hard to prevent it. "More than you'd understand."

"Maybe you guys could still work it out."

"No," I said sternly. "We won't."

She frowned even more. "Then it sounds even worse than if she had died."

"Excuse me?" That sounded ridiculous.

She threw up her hands to show no offense. "Don't get me wrong, it'd be horrible if she was dead. But in this way, you still can't talk to her and she is out there walking around. You could pass her on the streets, or at the mall, or-"

"In my house."

She gave me a puzzled look. "She's dating my roommate," I explained. Her mouth hung open for a moment.

"That's so unfair! So you see her all the time?" I nodded slowly with a slight smile. She shook her head. "Can I ask what happened?" She was tiptoeing into the situation. It was actually really kind of her. I know if I didn't want to tell her, she wouldn't have been offended at all. But I saw nothing wrong in telling her. It was almost relieving.

"She told me she had feelings for me."

"Wow. And you weren't interested?"

I took a deep breath. "No. I wasn't." At that time, that is.

"So she dropped the friendship because of that?"

"Pretty much."

She shook her head again. "I don't understand how she could just cut you off because you wouldn't reciprocate."

"I actually think it's because she didn't want to have feelings for me. I don't think my liking her in return even mattered. Or at least that's what I got from it."

I gave Nel a little more detail of the situation. It was weird speaking of all the events I went through with her. She was caring and real. I didn't feel like I had to hide from her. She let me stay the night on her couch. Renji came and picked me up the next morning. My knee was a mess. I actually still have the damn scar. I dented the kneecap, that's how messed up it was. I had to clean it every day, which hurt like a bitch, but wasn't nearly as bad as walking around on it. That shit hurt. I couldn't go anywhere. I went to work sometimes. I still wasn't going to class. I couldn't even go to the gym to take out my frustration. I was stuck physically now. Sitting in my room day after day brought me lower. I couldn't believe how drunk I was getting. I was literally numb to the pain in my knee for at least ten minutes before realizing it. That's beyond bad. But it didn't make me stop. I drank in my room while handicapped. Sometimes during the day too. People checked on me occasionally, but they had their own lives to deal with. So I was dealing with mine.

One day, I drank half a bottle of rum in the middle of the afternoon and drunkenly opened a package my parents had sent to me. Actually, I remember it being hell to open, so I took out a knife from my drawer and cut it open. There were mostly snack foods and such. It was a care package. There was a card with twenty bucks in it. With a cookie half in my mouth, I fell asleep. I dreamt that someone kept throwing things at me. Bottles, books, clothes, anything. I couldn't see who the person was though. They just kept throwing things with incredible force. I blocked some of them, but others I couldn't. A book smacked me in the temple and a bottle broke on my knee. Then, phrases were directed at me. "I hate you!" "This is your fault!" "You disgust me!" Over and over. I finally fell to my knees and bowed my head to the ground as my palms rested on the floor. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry." And then I woke up. I was out of breath. I sat up quickly and swung my legs over the side of the bed; cringing when I forgot about my knee. My mind was screaming at me. I grabbed my head firmly and closed my eyes. "I can't take it!" I yelled to myself.

I rocked back and forth. I was terrible. I was worthless. I caused pain. I was responsible. I deserved worse. Scum, dirt, nothing. My eyes shot open as nostrils flared. My eyes only glanced past my dresser, but then they went back. There it was. My savior. My emotional tourniquet. I picked up the knife I used to open the package earlier. Without thinking twice, I brought it to my arm and pressed down hard. I did it again in the same spot. The blood seeped out slowly. It felt warm as it dripped down my skin. I made it deeper. It was a rush of feeling. It was almost beautiful. It was an entirely different feeling I had been experiencing. It was a break from whatever tortured me daily. It was proof that I did exist. I stared at the knife in my hand. Residue of my blood remained. I tilted the blade slightly to see the light shine from the metal. My red essence glistened as well. I just continued to stare at it. My weapon. My tool in the darkness. Numbness took over. I felt nothing. I watched the blood on my arm dry. I didn't clean it right away; visual proof of my wounds. It was a way for me to make sure it was all real.

In the next few days, I was able to walk on my leg easier. I went out in public, which was shocking. I met up with Momo and Orihime for lunch. They noticed my scabbed arm. I told them I caught myself on my dresser. They didn't even second guess it. It was too easy.

Two of my professors emailed me. They wanted to know what was going on with me; that I wasn't the kind of student to just ditch classes. Well, the ones that counted attendance, that is. It was actually very kind of them. They showed concern for me and hoped everything was alright. I was too lost and careless that I didn't even both replying. What was I supposed to say? "Hey, I'm actually doing pretty shitty! Thanks for asking!" It seemed pointless.

I was on my way home from work one day when I saw them. Holding hands as they enjoyed the nice sunny day. Kaien kissed her on the lips. My skin crawled from the sight. Sunny days were my kryptonite. And the image of them was the final blow. I went back to my room and took out my handy dandy knife. Made a few more cuts in my arm; a blissful release, or so I thought at the time. That was my answer whenever anything felt wrong to me. It was fine with me. It was just enough to get me through.

But things kept getting worse. My thoughts kept growing more dangerous. I was sitting at dinner with Renji, Rangiku and Momo once. They continued to argue over what exactly Ren and Stimpy were. Renji said Stimpy was a cow. Momo was saying Ren was a naked mole rat. Rangiku was surprisingly right on both accounts; Ren was a Chihuahua and Stimpy was a cat. I don't really know what kind of cat, but I knew that much. I chose to stay out of the conversation though. I was too busy with my own conversation in my head. 'How easy would it be just to jump out into the middle of traffic and let the Mack truck take me out?' It seemed easy enough. All I would have to do was time it right so there wouldn't be enough time for them to hit the brakes. Hopefully it would end me in snap, but with my luck I'll probably die slowly; feeling every second of pain before my body gives out.

"Ichigo!" Rangiku yelled my name. I actually jumped; my eyes wide. "Come on, you had to have watched that show when you were younger." With great annoyance, I gave my input.

At work I'd stare at the bottles and packages of average medicines; Tylenol, Advil, Excedrin, NyQuil, DayQuil, Benadryl, Robitussin. I thought about how I could simply take mouthfuls of them and wash it down with NyQuil. I found it ironic how I would guzzle a medicine meant to help you sleep through the night; I wanted to sleep permanently. Yes, I was suicidal. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Cutting myself in the right spots could make me bleed out until there was none left. I knew that. I even considered it many times. That's how low I had gotten. I didn't want to live. One weekend when we were at a party, I left early. I couldn't take the cheerfulness around me. I was drunk, but it only intensified my feelings that time. I went home and made a deep cut into my leg; right above my knee. It was really deep. And pretty long. I was able to leave the knife in my leg without it falling over. But that didn't make me feel as good as I hoped. I threw the knife across the room and grabbed my head furiously. I cried. I rocked back and forth and sobbed. "Please make it stop! Please make it stop!" I remember saying. I passed out at some point after that.

Waking up the next morning in a daze, I left my room and went downstairs for some cereal. I was in the t-shirt from the night before and my boxers. Rubbing my face from grogginess, I walked into the kitchen where Uryuu and Chad sat at the table already eating breakfast. They looked at me and then started to look away before darting back to me. "Dude, what the hell happened to your leg?" Chad exclaimed. Uryuu's eyes were wider than I had ever seen before.

I looked down and noticed the cut I had made the night before. I had forgotten about it. The blood was dried all down my leg. It looked pretty horrific. "I… I don't know," I said, failing to find an acceptable reason. "I was really drunk last night," I explained, hoping that made sense.

Chad shook his head. "Jesus man, you've gotta be more careful. That looks intense."

"Yeah, I should probably go clean this up," I said leaving the kitchen. But before I did, I saw Uryuu's look. He seemed skeptical. I ignored it and made my way up to the upstairs bathroom. I threw off my clothes and stood in the shower. I turned off the faucet and just stood there. The water slowly washed away the dried blood. It didn't help it. I just washed the red make its way down to the drain. My environment wanted to make it go away, but I wouldn't help it. It was almost like I didn't want the blood to wash away. It was like I wanted it to be there. Washing away my suffering made me feel like I was hiding it. That I was pretending to alright, which is exactly what I had been doing for a long time now. I was pretending. And letting the pressure from the shower take away my stains made me realize something. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I didn't want to hide how I felt. I needed people to know. I needed my pain to be seen. I needed people to know it was real. I needed _myself_ to know that it was real.

I washed myself off and left the shower. Going into my room, I nudged my door closed behind me. I put on some clothes and sat on the floor against my bed. I stared at the scars from my cutting. They were on my arms and my leg. I ran my fingers across them. The one on my leg stung. It was still fresh. I hissed when I made contact with it. 'How did I get here?' I thought to myself. And then it hit me. I cried. I cried so hard. It wasn't for the pain, or the suffering. It was for myself. It was for what I had done to myself; for how far I let myself go. I cried with my head bent into my knees.

My door creaked open. I picked up my head in a flash. I realized I mustn't have closed it all the way because lightly pushing the piece of wood open was Uryuu and Chad. They must have heard me too.

"Ichigo," Uryuu said softly as they knelt down beside me. "What's wrong?"

I looked at him intensely. "_What's wrong_? You know what's wrong."

Chad placed his hand on my knee for comfort. "What triggered this?"

I stared back and forth between them before bitterly pulling my shorts up a bit. "This did," I said passionately.

Uryuu stared evenly at me. "Did you do this?"

I laughed. "Yeah. And these too," I replied showing off my arms. Uryuu brought his hand to his mouth. I saw the emotions that ran through both of them as they stared at my scars. They looked helpless. They didn't know what to do. I wouldn't either if I were them. They looked scared.

"Why?" Chad pushed out.

"Because it was the only way I knew I was still here yet it was close enough for me to not be here." Such a contradiction. It was the best of both worlds to me; the living and the dead.

"You _can't_ do this anymore," Uryuu spoke powerfully yet had that tone of distress. "Do you hear me? You need to promise to stop this," he commanded, but there was a bit of begging underneath.

"Please," Chad added.

I cried again. They were right. This needed to stop. It was too far now. I could see it in their eyes; they feared for me. I feared for my life. "I promise," I whispered out.

I had to go to work that day. When I came back, Chad and Uryuu asked me if I wanted to order food. They said it was my choice. I sensed something going on. They were being too nice. I'm not saying they aren't nice, it's just one of those times when you know people are leading up to something. After letting me pick what movie to watch, and halfway through my sweet and sour chicken, they pounced. It was an intervention. The goal? I needed to go to counseling. I was against it. I didn't let them fully see how against it I was. They probably could see it though. I had bad experiences with therapists in the past. They didn't do shit for me. They just wanted to throw me on meds. Plus, I hated the idea of them judging me and trying to advise me when they had no idea what kind of person I was. They didn't know me. I felt like they could never understand. I saw how badly Chad and Uryuu wanted me to go though. So I agreed to go for them.

The first therapist I went to was a complete tool. I hated the way he looked at me whenever I first stepped in. He'd stare at me for a few seconds, then rest his chin on his propped up fist. "So," he'd begin. "How ya doin'?" he'd ask in this manner that seemed equivalent to him believing I was a puppy who lost its mom. It was like he looked down on me and gave this fake sympathy that I wanted to knock out of him with my fist. During my third visit with him; my final visit, I answered him with, "I'm doing great," in the same pitying tone and posture he always gave me. Cost of the therapy session: fifty dollars. Cost of the expression on his face after I did that and walked out: priceless.

So I moved on to therapist number two. Now of course I was doubtful coming into it. I had bad experiences in the past and I was just showing up for the failure at this point. But this one was different. She didn't look down on me. She didn't obviously feel bad for me. She understood. And she allowed me to make as light as my situation as I could without turning into a ball of mush. I felt better after my first session. I didn't feel as pressured somehow. It felt like I would actually be okay with going; and not for other people, but for myself.

I started going to the gym again. The first day I went, I saw Nel. Her face lit up in a way that I couldn't help the smile from showing on my face. She left her desk and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck for a full embrace. Yeah, I was surprised. Someone was so excited to see me that they ran to me. They ran and hugged me. This was different. Someone showed just how happy they were to have me around. But that wasn't the only thing that filled my black heart with light; the funny thing about it? I knew exactly how she felt. I just didn't realize it until her arms were around me.

Nel had a way to make me feel at least just a little bit more whole. And with this realization, I knew this was what I needed more of; I needed more of her; I needed to embrace love that I hadn't been. My friends, my family, the ones who love me for who I am and care about me; I had to recognize them again. I held her closer and accidently smelt the strawberry shampoo in her hair. It intoxicated me.

"I haven't seen you in forever! Where have you been?" she asked with eyes shining up at me.

I smiled sweetly back. "Lost."

She began to show signs of laughter. "Does that mean you're found now?"

I gave a chuckle. "Getting there."

"Well I'll put the missing person posters up for you," she grinned.

"Ah, but you've already found another piece without even knowing it," I said with meaning. She was so cute. How did I ever look past her?

She stared curiously for a second. "I still have more to find though."

I laughed. "This metaphor is getting out of hand, but thank you."

She giggled. "Go punch a heavy bag already!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

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><p>Heavy? Kinda painful to write actually. Hope it was entertaining!<p> 


	7. Love & War

Here it is! Chapter 7! Named after an iamdavidcook song. Enjoy!

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><p><em>Chapter 7: Love &amp; War<em>

I asked Nel out on a date eventually. Well, I asked her to dinner. She asked me if it was a date and I cowardly said not to make such a big deal out of dinner. I admitted two weeks later that I counted it as a date. It worked out because apparently so did she. We started dating then. She kept my mind off of things I shouldn't have been thinking. She made me smile more. When I kissed her I felt at peace; and sometimes I felt something else. What? It's only natural!

I got my school work back on track. I was able to save myself somehow. Don't ask how. I don't understand it myself. I did a lot of extra credit. It didn't really matter though. I could have graduated a semester early, but decided against it; too afraid to hit the real world too soon.

"So wait, I'm confused. Captain America can fly?" she asked as we stared at the screen in my living room. Nel was sitting next to me on the couch with her legs draped over my lap. Her head rested against my heart.

"No," I chuckled. "He can just jump _really_ far! His leg muscles are massively strong."

"Oh, so he can't shoot laser beams out of his eyes, or shoot fire or lightning out of his hands, or anything fun?" she asked innocently.

"No. He's human, except on like a million steroids."

"That's kind of lame," she answered.

I rolled my eyes as I smiled. Some people just don't understand. Then, my eyes caught _her_ coming down the stairs; most likely from Kaien's room. Our eyes locked for a moment and I felt my chest ache.

"Hey!" Nel said cheerfully as she lifted her head to greet her.

"Hi," she answered awkwardly.

"What are you guys up to?"

"Just hanging out upstairs," she answered trying to back her way into the kitchen.

"You guys should come down and watch Captain Lame-o with us," she suggested.

"He's not lame!" I argued.

Rukia quickly answered. "No, I think we're good. Thanks." She then spun around and went into the kitchen. Nel leaned her head back down on my chest. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to make some sort of impossible friendship resurrection. It was adorable of her, but pointless. I wish she didn't try as hard as she did. It really just made me upset. The truth about it all was that we treated each other like complete strangers; only we were strangers that really didn't care to get to know each other.

My life was back on track. My self-esteem was rising. I actually cared about myself. Who would have thought? I was getting better. Sometimes it felt like I was in a dream because of how _good_ I felt. I was happy. Of course, there were moments when I had a weird funk, but those feelings weren't taking over my life anymore. I was almost fully in control. The only thing that held me back was whatever hold Rukia had on my soul. It seemed silly, but despite knowing how horrible she has been to me, she still had something of mine. I couldn't get it back for the life of me.

Dreams haunted me. Not in the way they used to; those dreams seriously scared the shit out of me. Those were gory and morbid and just awful. Yeah, I'm unsettled just thinking about them. The last dream like that I had, I was tied down in a chair. Some girl was yelling at me and she started carving into the top of my feet. One foot had four cuts in it; the other had the word hatred carved in it. Blood rolled off of my feet. I screamed in that "dream-like" scream you have and woke up. It wasn't fun waking up in a cold sweat. But these newer dreams, they were specifically of Rukia. I knew it was her during the dream. She wasn't mean to me like many in the past. She acted normal. Well, normal in the sense that _I_ know. You probably see her as a crazy bitch. My normal was what she was like before any of this chaos. She smiled at me in my dreams. She stared at me and smiled. It was so simple yet so heart wrenching. I'd have dreams where she'd run and jump on my back and then jumped off. When I turned around to look at her, my dream-self knew this was wrong. I'd look at her with her happy expression and ask her what she was doing. She looked back at me like I had four heads, punched me in the chest and told me to come on; that we were going to be late.

She haunted me. Not the Rukia now, but the Rukia then. I couldn't let her go. I finally let go this Rukia-imposter, but it was the old one; the one I'd never get back that I still had issues with. She didn't even exist anymore, but I was still tied to her. It was stressful and pointless.

Graduation was coming up. My college journey was coming to an end. My life had really changed. _ I_ had really changed. I no longer cared if different foods on my plate touched each other… Okay, you know what I mean. I went through a lot of shit. Of course I'd be different afterward.

I went to my academic advisor toward the end of the year. I wanted to thank her for helping me through that last semester. She really helped me catch up with what I missed. I got her a little present; a baseball mitt. Get it? She _caught_ me up? Yeah, I know it's a horrible pun, but I knew she'd get a kick out of it. I walked into the office, which held many other advisors and professors inside. I told the main desk who I was there to see and they asked me to wait for a bit. I turned to go sit in one of the waiting chairs, and saw her sitting there. I swallowed subconsciously. I walked over slowly and sat two chairs away from her. There were only four chairs to begin with. I tried to focus my gaze on my lap or straight ahead. What were the odds? Honestly?

Other than the beeping of photocopiers and the occasional phone call, we sat in silence. Yes, it was very awkward. I finally leaned back in the chair; eyes closed, and took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. It was giving me anxiety.

"Did you pick up your cap and gown yet?"

My eyes shot open. Was she…? Seriously? I was almost afraid to turn and look at her. I felt like I imagined it. But I did turn, and she was staring directly at me. It made my hands start to shake, followed by my jaw. Why was I so scared of her? I know why now. It was because I feared what she could do to me. I feared being back in that horrible place I was before. I gave her so much power over me. Why she deserved that power in my mind, I have no idea. Clearly I lacked _any_ self-confidence. "Uh, yeah. I did it yesterday."

"I just got mine. Weird, isn't? Graduating?" she asked. That wasn't the weird part to me. She was talking so casual. Why? I didn't understand. I never understood when it came to her. I saw the look in her eyes. They looked pained; like she was doing something against her will.

"Yeah. It seems like yesterday we were skipping classes to get an extra hour of sleep," I joked.

"That _was_ yesterday," she replied with a smile. And there it was; it was what I dreamed of. She was smiling at me. It was meant for me; her eyes were staring right at me. The only difference was the way her eyes gazed upon me. In my dreams, they were full of love and excitement. Here, they were full of anguish. But there was something in there that was full of admiration. I felt a rush of both ache and joy run through me.

She broke our gaze and looked down to her lap. "Ichigo," she said my name gently. It lifted my heart up into my throat. She said my name. My existence seemed complete now. I know it shouldn't have mattered what she thought or whatever, but the one person that wiped me off the map, knew I was there. I wanted to cry from happiness. "Do you think-"

"Mr. Kurosaki, she'll see you now," the receptionist interrupted her. We looked at the woman and then back to each other. What was she going to ask me? She gave a tender smile. "You should probably go."

I stalled. Was this it? "Yeah, I guess so," I replied. I stood up and started to walk away, but turned and sent her a lazy wave. She smiled, this time, sorrow evident.

A few days later, I was making my way down the stairs to get something to eat from the kitchen. I stopped just at the bottom when I heard Kaien's voice coming from the kitchen. Standing behind the wall, I listened.

"What has gotten into you? You've been acting all weird for the past three days," he asked.

"I don't know. It must be graduation, I guess." It was Rukia.

"Are you sure? Because I keep finding you staring off into space with this bittersweet look all over your face. It's like you aren't even listening to a thing I say!" He seemed a little worked up.

"I'm sorry!" she shot back. "I don't know what's going on with me." Her tone was solemn.

"Is it… is it me?" he asked in hesitance.

"No!" she exclaimed. "No, it's not. I've just got a lot going on in my head right now."

"Like what?" he asked urgently.

"I… I can't tell you."

"And why is that?" he asked in annoyance.

"You wouldn't understand."

"You don't let anyone in to even try to understand! I know that's what your therapist is for, but you have to let other people that care about you in too."

"I can't help how I am, Kaien!"

"You can try!" There was a pause in the conversation. "What are you afraid of?" he asked gently.

"Myself," she answered in a whisper. I didn't know what that meant. What did she mean?

"What do you mean?" Kaien asked, which I mentally cheered him for.

She paused before answering. "I don't know," she answered softly. It sounded almost like she was guilty of something.

"Jesus," Kaien responded before I heard footsteps. Before I could register to move, Kaien turned to go up the stairs, where I was standing. He jumped at first, but then frowned and brushed past me. I turned to watch him continue up the stairs before making my way to the kitchen as planned.

I saw Rukia standing at the sink and looking down into it. Her hands braced herself against the counter. "Everything okay?" I asked delicately.

She looked up at me and leaned off of the counter. She smiled in that same manner I saw back at the Advisor Offices. "Yeah," she answered as she began to walk past me. I turned around to watch her.

"You sure?"

She stopped and turned back slightly to look at me. "I don't think I'm ever sure about anything," she answered with a sad smile and then left. Well that was reassuring.

The thing that suddenly clicked in my head was that I was caring way too much about whether she was okay or not. She didn't deserve me caring about her. But did that mean I was still bitter towards her and everything that happened? She did say she hated me… but she just said she was never sure about anything. Did that mean something? I shook my head. I was thinking about it too much. All she was doing was confusing me. But the annoying thing about myself is that I always want to help; regardless of who it is. People find that characteristic to be honorable or whatever, but I see it as a flaw. I ended up helping everyone else before ever helping myself. I've learned to better myself, but I can still get carried away sometimes.

People were really coming together. Remember that guy Momo dragged onto the dance floor a few chapters back? Yeah, apparently his name was Toushirou and they started dating after that. I had no idea. I'm still surprised she didn't scare the guy out of his mind. Uryuu and Orihime were sweethearts. Tatsuki seemed to be doing really well with that. I think she moved from being jealous to being happy for her friends. I did occasionally see that sad look in her eyes when she stared at them, but that's more than acceptable. Renji and Rangiku were still doing what they were doing. Oddly enough, it seemed like Rangiku got over him in the emotional way, but Renji started actually having something called "feelings". Yeah, it was a shock to everyone else too. Chad finally had the courage to ask out that girl in his nutrition class. Apparently she told him, "Took you forever," when he finally got the nerve to do it. He finally told me that he figured out what her shampoo was; coconut. I was happy for him.

Two weeks until graduation. Yeah, we were all scared shitless. Real life started after that. We were the legit grownups then. Sure it was exciting to some extent, but it also felt like our lives were coming to an end. The life of being reckless and crazy was slipping under our fingertips. I already had a job offer at a local advertising agency. I had some great recommendations from professors and my advisor. Nel even had an offer as a history teacher nearby. She had volunteered at the school many times, so they were well aware of her beforehand. It seemed like I was staying in the same place, but thrown into a different life. It blew my mind.

I was going over to hang out with Tatsuki and Rangiku. Renji and Chad were already there. They wanted to play poker. I don't know what sparked it. All of a sudden Rangiku and Tatsuki were watching professional poker on television and then I get a text from both of them saying how we needed to play. Now.

The walk over to their house was actually really nice. It was warm and sunny, but not too sunny where it's blinding. There was also a nice breeze that swept through my hair. I remember the air being very clean. I don't know if that makes sense, but I know that's what I thought. As I approached the house, I saw Rukia sitting on the front porch steps. "Hey," I said to her as I got to the steps.

"Hey there," she greeted with a kind smile. "Let me guess, you're here for poker."

I smirked. "I see you've found a way out of it."

"It's a talent," she commented with a grin.

"Yeah, I remember that. You managed to get out of taking an exam on time because you weren't ready for it. Said your brother was getting married-"

"Cousin," she proudly corrected.

I shook my head with a smile, "And you took it a week later."

"You're just jealous and too stubborn to admit it," she replied with a chuckle.

"Stubborn is too negative of a word. I prefer… determined," I responded with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes. "The only thing you're determined to do is make me want to slap that smirk off of your face," she ended with amusement.

"My smirk is too irresistible."

"Yeah, irresistible to slap." I shook my head at her. The same banter we used to do. Where did that come from? It was so natural to fall into. I don't think either of us saw that coming.

"Hey," I began hesitantly. "Do you remember back at the Advisors Office?"

Her face grew serious. "No," she said simply. She knew where I was going with that question. I wanted to know what she was going to ask me then. And by the way she answered me, I think she wanted me to know she remembered; she just didn't want to go back to it.

I nodded. "Hey, Rukia. Ready?" Kaien said walking up the sidewalk. She turned to look his way; I continued to look at her. "Yep," she said with a small smile. She turned back to me. It was slow motion somehow. Her eyes shined just a bit brighter when she looked at me. I knew that.

"You better get in there. They've been waiting for you for awhile," she suggested with a nod toward the house. "I'll see ya," she said finally with a soft smile before stepping off the steps and grabbing Kaien's hand. I watched as they made their way down the sidewalk.

How she managed to leave me yearning for something, I didn't know. What was it about her? I still didn't understand anything. I sighed before making my way into the house.

There are certain times when you realize you hate your friends. One of mine? When they decided to make it _strip_ poker. I started making an attempt at escaping before Tatsuki and Rangiku dragged me back. Thank God I had some good hands. Renji lost. Somehow that wasn't surprising. I think he was too okay with losing too.

They wanted to play again. I flew out of there. I had to meet up with Nel back at the house anyway. She just finished her last final. We were going to celebrate. A little wine, some candles, some music; you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, I'm sorry for your loss. I was setting it up in my room. No one was home except for Kaien. God knows I wouldn't be having a conversation with him. We didn't talk much. And when I say 'much', I mean not at all. Ever since the cops were called on me, he pretty much detested me. I think he was mostly just guarding his territory. Not like me having a girlfriend should make him back off or anything…

I had everything set up; music was playing, candles were placed but not lit, rose petals were scattered; yes, rose petals. I decided to go all out. I even wore a button down shirt with khaki shorts. I was aiming to impress. There's nothing wrong with going an extra foot or two for a woman. I had the wine glasses set, but then realized I didn't have anything to open the wine bottle, or the wine battle for that matter. I ran downstairs to the kitchen to find a corkscrew. On my way out of the kitchen, I ran into Rukia who had just walked in.

"Oh, hey," I said in slight surprise. What was she doing here?

"Hey," she said with confusion on her face. Her eyes ran down my body. "What are you all dressed up for? …And holding a corkscrew for?" The wine was held slightly behind my back.

"Uh, I'm having a nice evening with Nel." I held up the corkscrew in one hand, and then held up the wine in the other. "Wine."

"Oh," she answered slightly uncomfortable. I raised an eyebrow as we stood there in silence. She jumped suddenly, probably realizing how awkward it had gotten. "Well I'm here to see Kaien," she said hastily and even pointing up the stairs. I mentally face palmed. Why else would she be here? For some reason I thought she was here to see me.

I nodded rapidly. "Right, right. Just hanging out tonight?" It was incredibly awkward! I had no idea why!

"Yep, yep. But ya know, if you're trying to impress her, you might want to fix your shirt. You're off by a button," she said with a chuckle.

"What?" I said looking down at myself. She stepped closer to me. "Here," she said as she began to unbutton my shirt. My mouth hung ajar. She was undressing me. Sure I might have had my hands full, but that still wasn't an excuse. What the hell was she doing?

My bare torso felt the chill of the air. Her fingers moved delicately up the black shirt; taking her time to fasten each button. She accidently touched my skin at one point and I noticed her pause for just a millisecond before continuing. She was close enough for me to be able to smell her silky raven locks; lavender. It's what I expected. She told me a long time ago she loved using the same scented shampoo.

"There," she said when she was done. When she looked up to lock eyes with me, she immediately looked away. I saw her even begin to blush. My eyes must have bore holes into her. I didn't know what she was doing, but she did something that affected me greatly. I had no idea what kind of spell she casted on me, but it worked.

"You will definitely amaze Nel," she added without looking at me. I continued to stare at her though. Her words even did something to me. I was mesmerized.

"Ichigo?" I heard my name from the door. I turned quickly. I wiped my expression off my face. "Nel!" She looked at me with curiosity. "What's going on?" she asked approaching me.

I stepped toward her and smiled. "I planned a night for us. Here," I said holding out my elbow for her to grab. "Come with me," I smiled with sincerity. She giggled and did so. We passed Rukia who kept her head bowed, as if trying to pretend she wasn't there. She gave a slight smile to Nel as we passed, but tried to keep her face hidden. I led Nel up the stairs and looked back down only to see Rukia going out the front door. I frowned for a moment, but continued to my room.

I told her to wait outside my door. I wanted to light the candles first and pour the wine. When I was ready, I let her in. Her expression was exactly what I wanted. She gasped, covered her mouth with her hand, looked at me and threw her arms around me. I laughed. The night started to lead where I intended it to, but something was off with me. I was still suffering from whatever spell Rukia had put upon me. When Nel unbuttoned my shirt, it wasn't the same. I just kept seeing Rukia doing it. I even smelt lavender. I was losing my mind, clearly. My beautiful, wonderful girlfriend was seducing me and all I was thinking about was another woman; a woman that quite frankly had been torturous to my life. Explain that one.

I managed to block it out for the rest of the night. When we went to sleep, I didn't expect to dream about Rukia. Well, I kind of expected it because it had been happening all the time. But this dream was very different from the rest. In my dream, she was walking toward me… taking off her shirt. She pushed me backwards onto a bed and climbed onto me slowly. I was speechless. I didn't move. It was like I didn't know what to do. She smiled slightly, but the look in her eyes screamed, 'I'm going to devour you like Thanksgiving dinner.' I never saw this kind of Rukia before. She ran her hands down my chest before ripping open the black button down shirt I was wearing. Apparently, the patience in reality wasn't an attribute that dream-Rukia possessed. Her hands moved down my bare chest now. I remember thinking in my dream, 'What are you doing, Ichigo? You have a girlfriend!'

She slid herself up my body, straddling my waist. Leaning her head down to my ear, I felt her breath against my skin. "I'm never sure of what I want," she said surprisingly seductive. My breath hitched. When she sat back up, she stared at me again with that come hither look, and then bent down to touch my lips. Then, I woke up. I was breathing heavily. When I looked around my room, I noticed Nel curled up next to me. I felt dirty; like I cheated on her somehow. I tried to calm down as I stared at the ceiling. Why did I dream of that? Okay, yes, she is very attractive. And yes, we were very close at one time, but that wasn't now. I didn't have that kind of connection with her anymore. Why would I imagine having sex with her? It's not like I have feelings for her like that anymore. I sighed. Another annoyance.

"Looks like you had a good night last night," Renji commented slamming next to me on the couch.

"What?" I asked panicked. How did he know I had a dream about Rukia? Did I yell her name in my sleep?

"I saw the rose petals all over your floor when I passed your room. Candles too? Geez, you really wanted some, didn't you?" he joked.

I had completely forgotten about the actual events of that night. I just jumped to my potential sex dream when in fact, I actually did have sex that night; but not with Rukia. How did I forget about Nel? What was wrong with me?

"Hey, turn it up. I can't hear the announcers," he demanded as he took a handful of popcorn and threw back a beer.

I went for a walk that night. I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I walked into campus. It was quiet; peaceful. The weather was calm. There was a slight breeze, but it was comfortable. I made my way to the quad. I figured I'd sit on a bench there and take in my surroundings. I always went to the same bench. It was my thinking bench. I went there when I was having a hard time with Senna a few years ago; whenever I felt homesick; whenever I felt upset. It was the same bench I sat and stirred on the day before winter break; when I thought I was going to confront Rukia.

As I stepped onto the quad, it was empty. Except my wooden bench was already taken. Rukia sat there Indian style. Air caught in my chest at first. Then, I sighed and made my way over to her.

"It's kind of late to be sitting around alone in public," I chastised as I approached her. She looked up at me startled; apparently she was lost in thought.

After gaining control, she responded. "The only person that has ever come here at night and approached me is you."

My hands rested in my pockets. "And you aren't afraid that I might attack you?"

She scoffed. "It'd be about time."

I chose not to reply to that. Instead, I sat down beside her on the bench. "This is my bench, by the way." She gave me a look that said I was an idiot. I ignored it. It definitely was_ my_ bench. "What are you doing out here?"

She gave a chuckle. "I should be asking you the same question." There was silence between us. I don't really know why I started talking. Thinking about it now, it seems really stupid, but I guess I felt pressured to break the silence.

"You ever think about plums?"

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

"Plums. You know? The fruit."

"I know what plums are, Ichigo."

"You've had one then, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, the skin is always sour; tart. But the inside is complete different; well if you get a ripe one. It's sweet and tender. Oh! Like Sour Patch Kids! Maybe I should have used that as an example instead…"

"Ichigo," she pushed for me to get on to the point.

"The point is that- wait, a plum _was_ a better example. Okay, let's go back to plums-"

"Ichigo!"

"Okay, okay! Plums grow. And they continue to do that. Their outside always has that harsh flavor, but the inside continues to get softer and sweeter. I kinda feel like you and I are a plum."

She started to laugh, "Excuse me?"

I smirked, "Just go with me here. I think we're a plum."

"Why can't we each be a plum?"

"Because we can't-"

"I'm my own person, ya know."

"Yes, but-"

"I have enough bitter sweetness for the both of us."

"Okay, but-"

"Plums aren't even that big to begin with."

"For this analogy we're both one plum!" I exclaimed. "Alright, alright," she commented as she took a deep breath and leaned back into the bench. "So, as I was saying," I began again with a slight glare sent her way. "Plums continue to grow. And we have continued to grow as people."

"Hence why we should each be a plum…" she said under her breath.

"And our relationship is plum-like," I said loudly and harsh to override her interruption. I sighed and calmed back down. I stared straight out into the empty quad. "Before it ripens, the skin is just as bitter as the inside. You don't notice the cringing difference. It's all the same. But as time goes on, the inside gets sweeter; juicier. You crave it. Your mouth waters over it. Everything inside is hidden by that bitter skin. I think… we ripened so well that the skin just seemed so unbearable to taste. The difference between the two was just too extreme for us to take."

A few seconds of silence passed. "But what about now?" I heard her ask softly from my side.

I smirked and turned back to her. "Our plum season ended awhile ago."

A sad expression filled her face. I knew what she felt. It was what I was feeling. We were past all of that. It hurt to hear it said out loud, despite the metaphor. We weren't one fruit anymore. She was right. We were separate. And that memory of how sweet we used to be, well, that continued to haunt us. I knew that.

"You left in a hurry last night," I commented finally.

I saw her back straighten. She didn't know I realized. "What were you watching me?" she said resentfully, but with a chuckle.

My face remained stoic; my eyes staring straight into her. "Yes. I was."

Her expression immediately changed. Air caught in her chest. She didn't know what to say. She pushed out, "Why?" in a vulnerable fashion.

"Why'd you leave?" I asked again quickly. She took in another large amount of air and then bowed her head.

"It's getting late," she said staring down at her lap.

I stared at her with my expression less confident. "It's gotten _too_ late, hasn't it?"

She picked her head back up; eyes full of intensity. She knew what I meant. "Yeah," she breathed out. "I guess so."

I nodded before standing up. I turned to her with my hands in my pockets, my head tilted to the side and a slight smile on my lips. "Good night, Rukia."

"Good night," she whispered from her lips. And then I walked away. I left her there alone. It was different from what I would have done in the past. I would have berated her on dismissing the question. I would have made her give me an answer. And if anything, I wouldn't have left her alone. I would have stayed by her side. But everything changed. I changed. I'd say she changed too, but I didn't see the same person that everyone else saw when they looked at her. We were what we were. Time brought us to that place. Time can take it away from us; in either a bad way or good. In the past, I always had a war with time. As if I could change what happened. But it wasn't anyone's to control. All I know is that I unexpectedly walked away with a heavy heart that night. And I hated every ounce of it.

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><p>Hope it pleased!<p> 


	8. Hello World

This chapter is named after a Lady Antebellum song. Enjoy.

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><p><em>Chapter 8: Hello World<em>

_Plums_? Really? That's all I kept thinking for the next two days. Thinking back on it now, I don't know why I was so embarrassed after the fact. I think its genius. The funny part about it is that I really didn't like plums back then. I remember going home that night, seeing some plums in the fridge and taking one out of curiosity. When I took a bite, I gagged. Spit it right out onto the floor. Now? I've learned to appreciate them. I guess it was like a fine wine; had to acquire the taste.

The longest days of my life were the few before graduation. It confused me. You'd think something you were afraid of happening would jump up on you. But it took forever to get there. We were having a small party with the main group of us, plus Chad and Momo's significant others. We were playing a card drinking game and sitting around a round table in our kitchen. Everyone was laughing and smiling. It almost looked like one of those moments in movies where everything goes in slow motion and all the sound is blocked out. I stared at each face and tried to make a permanent memory in my mind. These people I had grown to expect in my life were going their own way in a matter of days. We were separating. I loved these people. And soon I was going to have to let go of them. It's a piercing feeling deep down; knowing you're going to lose people. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. Even my mind knew I couldn't completely pause the scene in front of me. Slow motion was the best of my abilities.

"Ichigo! Drink! You didn't call Renji an ass-licker after he took a drink!" I shook my head out of delusion as Uryuu yelled at me.

"Wait, what? Who made that ridiculous rule?" I exclaimed.

"I did!" Rangiku yelled while grinning. She threw her hands straight up in the air, spilling most of the beer out of the bottle in her hand.

We finished the game and eventually people formed into their own little groups. Arguments about sports pursued, as well as discussions about graduation outfits, and I think I remember a few people talking about Beauty and the Beast at one point.

"You busy?" I heard from my side. I turned and found Rukia leaning against the wall with a beer in hand.

I raised an eyebrow at her. She had such an odd expression on her face. It was slightly amused. "I guess not?" I answered unsure.

"Follow me," she said going toward the front door. I hesitated at first. I saw Nel engaged in conversation with Orihime. She looked busy enough to not need me around. Let me make this clear, I wasn't afraid of Nel knowing I went off with Rukia. She wouldn't see it as a big deal anyway. I just wanted to make sure she was comfortable.

I followed after her, closing the door behind me. I found her sitting on the first step down from our front porch. Slowly, I went to sit beside her. "What's up?"

She turned to me with a smile, but her eyes were in disbelief. "_Plums_? You left me with _plums_?"

I let out a single chuckle. "I've been thinking the same thing actually."

"What was the point of telling me all that?"

"I wanted to give you a different perspective of the whole thing. It was something I stumbled on. I figured you should know," I explained simply.

"How would that explain anything with you? Maybe I can get it for just me, but it seems like the only thing you got out of this was the bitter part," she explained casually, which surprised the hell out of me. Did she just admit that I only got to taste the bitter part of it all? For the most part, I undoubtedly agreed with her. For awhile it felt like she cut the skin off of the damn fruit and kept feeding me it. But she didn't know she was wrong. Throughout all the sourness, I had such a sweet expectation. I wanted the sugary taste. I craved it. My mind was going into overload. What was I thinking? Yeah, I missed my best friend and our closeness, but my thoughts felt like they were leading down a different road. And that road scared me.

"Then you've misjudged everything I've done," I said in more of a whisper as I looked out at the dark road ahead of us. I turned back to her; she looked puzzled. "If I didn't know of any good part of our relationship, why would I have kept coming back to you? Why would I have let you continue to beat me down if I didn't see anything good about us?"

She was silent. She looked down at her lap and stayed like that for a bit. I started to realize that she had never thought of it that way. All of our confrontations, she must have seen that as me attacking her and making her feel worse about how she already felt. I continually approached her. I was so forward and direct. I probably scared the hell out of her. That was never my intention. I figured if I was determined enough, I could get through to her. I guess I just made everything worse. And for that, I am sorry.

"Remember during freshman year, when you chased me down the hallway because I stole your keys?" she said with a smile across her face.

"You were trying to get into my room because Orihime dared you to put a pair of my boxers in the girls' bathroom," I replied grumpily. I then smirked, "I took you down though. It was pretty hilarious."

"Speak for yourself! I couldn't breathe with you sitting on top of me!" she argued back. We both laughed. We sat in silence for a few seconds. "What happened to those two people?" she asked sadly. "Where'd they go?"

I smiled at her sadly. "They grew up."

"Ichigo," she said with more determination. "If I could change anything-"

"Guys! Come on! We're betting on how many people Chad can lift at once!" Momo yelled from the door.

I looked back at Rukia. My eyes were hopeful. I wanted her to continue. I begged for it. But she smiled at me sadly. "I don't think we've grown up that much," she finished with a chuckle before standing up. She then made her way inside; leaving me alone.

What was the point of new things happening if they weren't actually going to happen? She was about to say something groundbreaking, but it was cut short. It was there, but it wasn't. It's like waving a steak in front of a dog and then saying, "Dream on!" I was the tortured pup here. And it was all bullshit.

I told you before that I have trust issues like a shitload of other people do. I remember when I actually told Rukia that I trusted her. She told me it was like a dramatic part in a movie. I was drunk and stumbling down the hallway toward me room. Uryuu and Renji were in my room completely wasted. Rukia was taking care of us. She was waiting outside my room for me. By the time I got to her, I started yelling incoherent things and getting really upset about myself. She lifted my chin and locked eyes with me. "You're an amazing person. Don't let anything else make you think otherwise." She said it so passionately. I rested my forehead on her shoulder. "I trust you, Rukia." I was a drunken idiot. We laughed after years after the fact. It was soap opera material. But I found out sometime while after that, Rukia was scared shitless about that event. Having people trust her that much freaked her out. She felt pressured and whatever. I think my reaction to that was, "Well start being a douche bag and people won't trust you anymore." Humor is the best way to deal with serious events… Kidding. She threw a bottle of orange juice at me.

It's funny how things turn out though. In my eyes back then, she started being a douche bag, so she lost my trust. Maybe that was her goal? Maybe it was her way of distancing us. I think she was afraid of any feeling too serious. That's why I think she couldn't deal with everything with me. Maybe it was too much; too strong. Well, for her. Me? I could take it. I thought it was worth it. Something so powerful shouldn't be run from. It should be embraced with open arms. But that's the problem. Some people can handle it and some can't. Life's a bitch.

That night I had a dream I fell off of a cliff. Some invisible force pushed me over the edge. But I wasn't afraid. I was more confused. I fell backwards, so I was looking toward the sky. I didn't know where I was falling. My limbs were stretched out around me. I closed my eyes and felt the air rush through my hair and in between my fingers. It put me at ease. It was beautiful. Then suddenly, that invisible force that originally pushed me was back. It felt like it was wrapped around, as if someone was embracing me from behind. It was pulling me through the sky faster and faster. But again, I wasn't afraid. I was in suspense. When was I going to hit? What was I going to hit? What was it all leading up to? And then, it went black and I woke up.

The next day was the day before graduation. My mom called me to talk about what time my family was going to get there. I had told my parents everything that happened with me a few months back. They were afraid for me. They didn't want me to be at school anymore. They purely wanted me to get better. I told them I was going to therapy, taking medication, exercising; I reassured them I was trying to get my life back together. They believed me, which was the best thing they could do. Giving me that confidence was a gift. Sure, they were still probably scared like any caring parent should be, but they had faith in what I told them. And I felt like it actually made us closer somehow. We seemed to talk more; it was a more emotional connection. I can't really explain it any better than that. I guess when a child confesses about being suicidal and hating them self, it really puts things in perspective. I appreciated them even more, and maybe it was the same for them with me.

Walking out of my room and attempting to go down the stairs for some food, I was stopped. "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?" Kaien said coming out of his room.

"Uh, sure," I agreed. Let's just say I wasn't too enthusiastic about.

"This whole rivalry-thing we have goin on here, let's end this now. We're graduating tomorrow. I don't see why we need to be assholes to each other at this point." He was serious. And it seemed uncomfortable for him to actually say.

"_Rivalry_ doesn't seem like the right word to use here," I commented. I wasn't fighting him for Rukia. He saw this whole thing upside-down.

"Whatever. Let's just put everything behind us now. No need to separate on bad terms," Kaien reasoned with his hand held out to me.

It wasn't like I _hated_ him. He was a tool in my eyes, yes. But I wasn't totally against his existence. He apparently made Rukia happy, so that was his 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. I still didn't like his attitude though. And the idea that he thought he won some sort of battle between us made me want to grit my teeth. I took his and shook it before starting to smirk. "Rukia told you to do this, didn't she?"

Amusement flashed in his eyes. "You know it."

"Why the hell would she tell you to do this?" I joked.

"Because she said I didn't have a reason to be angry with you. You did nothing wrong. Well, those were her words. Not mine," he explained before passing me and going downstairs.

_You did nothing wrong._ That was a shock to my system. She told him I did nothing wrong. It was even more of a revelation than I would have expected. I grew to understand that I did nothing wrong in this situation, but to actually have her say things like that, it was a wave of bliss. I soaked in it.

Graduation day came. I stood in my room and stared at myself in the mirror. I took in my cap and gown appearance. That was it. That was the moment I was leaving my school life behind. I felt the next stage of my life pouncing on me as I stared into the mirror. Going to school for seventeen years of your life makes it a natural part of living. I had gotten used to it. And now I wasn't going to do it anymore. Something new was out there; waiting for me.

Sitting on the grass in a white folded chair, we listened to the Dean say inspirational shit that I couldn't recite to you if you tortured me. Apparently it wasn't _that_ inspirational. My family cried. They were proud. I did it. I finished. I _survived_. It was more than just about school for me. Getting this far meant I made it further than I thought. It meant I defeated myself. My eyes started to water as the final congratulations was said to our graduating class. I made it.

I smiled and embraced my friends. It was a good day. It was a sad day. But smiles were still there. Our memories fueled them.

Trying to find my family, I pushed through the crowd. I stopped using 'Excuse me,' and just plowed through. People don't understand the meaning of personal space, I guess. I stopped when I saw her a few feet ahead of me; talking to someone I didn't know. She saw me from the corner of her eye and stopped in midsentence. I imagined her saying something along the lines of, "Keep in touch," as she hugged the woman. Then, she made her way toward me.

In those few seconds, I saw so many things as she walked toward me. The day my parents dropped me off at college four years ago came flooding to memory. They had just left and I was pretty upset. It was weird knowing you were going to be on your own hours away from your family. Plus, it was a brand new place. I wasn't used to it yet. I remember sitting on my bed alone in my dorm, and hearing a knock at my door. I got up and opened it. And there she was; Rukia. "Hi, I found this outside your door. Yours?" she asked holding up a comic book. I felt my back pocket for the rolled up Captain America comic I was reading. It proved missing.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks," I said taking it from her.

"I wouldn't picture you as a nerd just by looking at you," she said with a chuckle.

"Excuse me?" I asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, don't get me wrong! I'm not judging you," she said trying to show no offense.

I started to smirk. "But technically you are."

"Ah, no! Wow, I give great first impressions," she said more to herself. "I'm sorry. I've been here for two days now. No one's been here. It's been so lonely," she explained with an awkward laugh. "First sign of life and what do I do? Attack."

"Why don't you start over," I suggested calmly.

"Right. I'm Rukia," she said holding out her hand.

"Ichigo," I said taking her hand in mine. Her eyes were kind. She seemed different than most people. I came back to the present.

She continued to walk toward me through the crowd of graduates. My mind took me away again. We had watch _Titanic_ and Rukia was using her fourth tissue. "Why are you crying?" I asked while laughing.

"Why _aren't_ you crying?" she exclaimed.

"Because it's a movie…"

"He sacrificed himself so she could live! Do you see nothing heartbreaking about that?" she yelled again.

"Personally, I think he was a dumbass. He definitely would have fit on that damn door or wood thing. All they needed to do was balance it right. Then they would have _both_ lived. He didn't try very hard," I responded.

"Your heart is ice," she replied with a glare.

"Keeps me cool in the summer."

"If we were ever dying in the middle of the ocean from hypothermia, I wouldn't let you on the door with me," she threw at me.

"That's a lie and you know it," I replied confidently with a smirk.

"And why do you say that?" she asked with an attitude.

"Because you can't live without me."

My relationship with Rukia was storming through my head. I waited outside her dorm one time when we were meeting up with people to go to a party. It was a formal theme. I knocked on her door rapidly. "Rukia, come on! We're gonna be late!"

The door suddenly opened. My eyes landed on her. She wore a little black dress and red heels. I couldn't believe my eyes. Who was this person? She never wore anything like that. My mind was blown.

"What?" she asked self consciously. "Is it bad? Should I change?"

"No! No," I stopped her. I chuckled as I ran a hand through my hair. "You look great."

"Oh," she said avoiding my eye contact. "I thought something was wrong since your mouth was hanging open," she explained with a laugh.

Then my mind took me to her car. I sat passenger seat as we were joyriding somewhere scenic where she lived. I was visiting her during one of our summer vacations. The windows were all the way down, the road was empty, and the sun was setting. The stereo was at full volume; I was surprised we did blow the speakers out. We screamed along with the lyrics. The scent of summer was taking over my senses. It was just me and her. It was amazing.

Times when we got ice cream, times when she rudely woke me up even though it was two in the afternoon, times when we had our serious talks, times when we lost ourselves together; we were just ourselves. No one else.

It all zoomed past me without being able to grab a hold of it. And now here we were together at the end of a segment of our lives.

"Hey you," she said with a kind smile. I smiled back. "Hey."

"Congrats," she added. "You too."

"How weird is this?" she asked with a laugh.

"Graduating?" I asked as she gave me a nod. "I guess the right word for this is… terrifying," I answered, in which we both laughed.

"It feels like just yesterday when I found your nerdy comic book in the hallway," she replied with a chuckle.

"Still not judging?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Of course," she grinned in response.

"So what's next for you?" I asked her.

"Med School. It's actually only twenty minutes from here, so I'm not goin too far."

"Really? Well I guess we'll be seeing each other around then."

Her gaze hardened. "I… I don't think that's a good idea." Her voice was weaker. She was trying to stay tough.

I stared at her evenly. She continued to speak. "It's just… it's too much, Ichigo. I want to be able to handle it, I just-"

"You're gonna be a great doctor, Rukia," I interrupted softly.

I saw her swallow hard. She wanted to cry. She was trying so hard to hold it together. "Goodbye, Ichigo," she pushed out. Her hand extended to me.

My chest was being ripped apart. I had to let her go. There was nothing I could say to keep her here with me. She couldn't handle me in her life. And I wished so much that she could.

I reached out and took her hand. It was so fragile in my grasp. Looking into her eyes, I realized just how fragile a person she truly was. And here I was, always testing her limits. But I wasn't done yet; not yet. I gripped her hand tighter and pulled her into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, bowing my head into her hair. She stiffened at first, but then rested her hands against my chest. I felt her begin to cry. She shook silently in my arms. Her hands gripped the cloth on my chest into her fists.

After a few moments, she pulled away from my chest; her face full of tears. I brought my hands up to hold her face. I wiped her tears away with my thumbs. "If this is what you need, then do it," I whispered.

She sniffed and gave a chuckle. "I told you, I'm never sure of anything." I continued to stare at her silently and wipe away her tears. "What do _you_ want me to do?" she asked suddenly.

I was taken by surprise. She asked me what I wanted. She _cared_ what I wanted. What was I going to say? Was it selfish to make her stay around me when she couldn't handle the way she felt? Was it so wrong to get what I wanted for once? Why did I want her to be near me so badly? Yes, I cared about her. But it seemed so much more complicated than that. I realized what it was then. I was in love with her. I loved her more than I ever let myself imagine. Maybe my dream meant that I had fallen for her. That invisible force was her.

Staring into her pleading eyes, I let my chest cave in completely. "I want you to be happy."

She nodded slowly and broke eye contact. I let my hands fall from her face. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for everything," she breathed out before turning around and jogging off. She didn't look at me again. She didn't turn back once. I watched her leave me behind until she was out of sight. She was gone. Perhaps moving on was going to be easier at that point. I had come to terms with my feelings toward her. Now, all I had to do was heal. It seemed easy enough. But the thought that tugged at my heart was why I couldn't tell her; why I couldn't tell her that I loved her. It was a question I didn't figure out for a long time after that.

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><p>We're getting towards the end, guys. Just a warning.<p> 


	9. The Scientist

The final chapter. This was hard for me to write. I think I got too emotionally involved. Anyways, it's named after a Coldplay song. Enjoy.

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><p><em>Chapter 9:<em> _The Scientist_

How long do you think passed before I pick up where my left went? Take a guess. Make some wagers. Don't be shy. Anybody say four months? Well you're wrong. Five years passed. I worked at the same damn advertising agency that I was hired from immediately after college. I worked within five minutes of campus yet I never dared to set foot there again. As much as I had hoped to have moved on quickly after graduation, I didn't. It was worse. My life stayed exactly how it had become in those last few months of college. I was even in the same area code. For some reason, I felt chained to that place; to that place that always managed to tear me down.

I was still with Nel. She was the only thing keeping me sane. I didn't deserve her. She deserved so much more than me. She denied a teaching job in a different state that was going to pay her fifty percent more than what she was earning then. She denied the offer because of me. Yeah, I felt guilty every day, but she made me feel more alive than I really was. I wasn't in a state of horribleness like I was way back when; but I know I was depressed. The degree just wasn't as extreme.

I couldn't get a better job. I couldn't advance in the one job I had. I was going nowhere. I kept in touch rarely with my old friends. They were all successful. They had their own houses, married, started families; I lived in the same one bedroom apartment that I could hardly afford to pay every month, and I was still dating and _just_ dating my college girlfriend. I was supposed to have a new life after college. I was supposed to have everything change for me. Yeah, some things did change, but they weren't for the better.

"Ichigo, Uryuu's on the phone. He wants to talk," Nel would say to me.

"I'm not home," I throw over my shoulder emotionlessly.

I heard her sigh every time. "He just ran out for some dinner. I'll tell him you called."

Everyone tried to stay in contact with me. But I hid away. I didn't want them to see how I turned out. I didn't want to think of my old life and compare it even more than I already did. Nel told me many times to give Chad or Uryuu a call. I never did. I didn't feel like it was my place to just pick up the phone and call.

I'd see Rukia out somewhere every few months. Could have been the grocery store, the mall, she could have been pumping gas. But no matter what, she never acknowledged me. If she happened to lock eyes with me, she immediately turned in the opposite direction. I was invisible again. After everything, I ceased to exist. Again. It seemed worse this time though. It was like I was used to it, which is something you definitely should not ever get used to, but also, after the progress that we seemed to have made after the whole situation, it was like it never happened. I guess that was her way of moving on. I just wish it didn't have to be so cold.

Nel would go out occasionally with friends from work. She asked me to join, but I always said no. I was always too tired, or had a headache; some bullshit excuse.

Then, the day came when we got a phone call from Chad. Nel announced who it was when she read the caller ID. "I'm not here," I said carelessly without looking her way. I remember hearing her answer the phone.

"Hey, Chad! How's it going?" she began perkily. Then it was silent. I turned around in my chair at the kitchen table. I was in the middle of dinner. Nel's face was frozen, mouth slightly open. "Yeah," she answered weakly. "Yeah, I'm still here."

"Nel," I said sternly. I watched her look my way quickly. She swallowed. "We'll be there," she said into the phone as she locked eyes with me. Her jaw began to tremble. "Bye," she whispered before hanging up and holding her hand over her mouth.

"What's going on?" I asked fearfully. Something was coming. Something I wouldn't want.

"Uryuu," she pushed out. "He died in a car accident," she explained as she broke into tears.

The air left my lungs. I felt like I was shot in the gut. "What?" I responded stoically.

"He's dead, Ichigo. Hit by a drunk driver," she sobbed. This couldn't be right. My mind couldn't wrap around the possibility. This was just some kind of sick joke. He couldn't- He had a wife and two children now! He wouldn't leave Orihime alone. He wouldn't deprive his three year old son and six month old baby girl a father. He was responsible, dedicated, smart, caring. He was my best friend. It couldn't be possible. It wasn't.

I stood up, walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed my cell phone. I clicked the contact and waited as it began to ring.

"Who are you calling?" Nel asked through quiet tears.

I ignored her. I stood, nostrils flared and jaw set. It continued to ring. "Come on, come on, pick up," I urged softly. The voicemail picked up. I hung up and dialed it again. My heart was beginning to race. It rang. And rang. "Pick up, damn it!" I yelled before the voicemail came on again. I dialed it again.

"Ichigo," Nel called softly. I ignored her again.

The voicemail came on again. "_Hey, it's Uryuu. I can't answer the phone, but I'll try to get back to ya somehow. Talk to me." _I heard the beep. My body suddenly lost all strength left in it. I slid harshly to the floor against the counter. My phone fell out of my hand at some point. Nel rushed over to my side. I kept looking straight ahead. I couldn't turn my head or breathe. I couldn't even blink. "He didn't answer his phone," I said with no emotion coming from me. "He's gonna get back to me though. He's gonna get back to me."

"Ichigo," Nel whispered with a tear. I immediately turned to her. "He's fine," I said powerfully before standing up and making my way back to the dinner table. I left Nel on the floor in the kitchen as I continued to eat my dinner again.

I was in a horrible state of denial. Nel realized that. She tried to tell me that we had to leave the following day to go to his funeral. I looked at her as if she was crazy and left the room. The next day, she told me we had to leave to go see Uryuu. I tried to tell her it wasn't necessary. I was acting how I would have before we got that phone call from Chad. I didn't want to see my friends. But this was one of the only times I ever saw Nel raise her voice to me.

"He's your best friend, Ichigo! You're going to see him!" she yelled, eyes watering. My jaw hung open and trembled a bit.

"Okay, okay. Let me get a bag," I said in response. Nel had packed a black suit for me without me noticing. I drove us two hours to where they lived. We got a hotel room for the night. In the morning, she pulled out the suit.

"Why am I wearing _that_?"

"You need to, Ichigo," she said gently.

"Why?" I pushed again.

"Can you please put it on," she begged. She looked upset. I remember thinking that I didn't want her to be sad. So I took the suit and put it on.

She drove us to our destination. We parked near a cemetery. I looked out at the crowd of people residing in a particular section of the grounds. I quickly looked over at Nel. "What are we doing here?"

She turned off the car and locked eyes with me. "We're here to see Uryuu." I stared into her eyes for a few more seconds before slowly turning back in front of me. My gaze was blank. "Are you sure he's here?" I said in almost a whisper. I was trembling.

"Yes," she said delicately. "Let's get goin'."

She left the car first and waited on my side of the car. I opened the door slowly. Placing my foot on the ground felt like it would cause an earthquake. With each step, it was _me_ who felt further in the ground. Perhaps it was my way of digging the hole for him after being forced to admit the truth.

I saw them. My old friends. They stood together. I noticed Uryuu's family there. Orihime's too. Orihime's mother held her as she cried. Orihime held her daughter in her arms, while her son held her leg. As I approached, Tatsuki was taking her baby girl out of her arms. Renji held Rangiku. Chad had his arm around Momo's shoulders. And Kaien stood holding Rukia's hand. I felt their surprised gazes upon me, but I didn't acknowledge them. I stared at the coffin in front of me. My best friend laid in there. He was _right_ there. Right in front of me. But I'd never see him again. I'd never talk to him again. After all the times he tried talking to me on the phone, or trying to visit or have me come visit; I regretted all of it. I would take back every time I had the chance to see him.

I didn't listen to a single part of the ceremony. I just stared at Uryuu. It was over before I realized it. I continued to stare down at him as Nel put her hand on my shoulder. "I'll wait for you in the car." I still didn't move my gaze. Everyone had apparently left the graveside.

"I'm surprised you came," I heard her familiar voice from behind. I still didn't turn away. My expression didn't even change in the slightest.

"Everyone was really happy you made it today. I know Uryuu would be happy," Rukia added as she moved to my side.

"He was my best friend," I whispered out.

"He knew that," she reassured.

"He always tried to talk to me and I wouldn't."

"It doesn't matter. He would never want you to feel guilty about anything."

"But I do feel guilty."

There was a pause before she spoke again. "Life's not predictable, Ichigo. You can't live in regret when there's nothing you can do about it. Things happen where you wish you did things differently, but always holding on to that wish could kill you. It can tear you apart. Trust me, I know," she said gently before making her exit.

And I did trust her. I believed exactly what she said because it made sense in my eyes. She needed to not regret the things she's done because I believe she felt horrible about it; at least at some point down the line if not during it all.

Staring down at him again, I left my wish with him; my desire to have kept him in my life when I could have. "I'll see ya," I said quietly. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It felt too permanent right then. Too forced. I turned and left my friend in the ground that day.

A few days had passed. I was trying not to think too much about things. I tried to stay busy. You would think that it would have paid off somehow, but of course, it didn't. Then, one day when I got home, I walked into my apartment to see suitcases packed by the door. I walked in further and saw Nel waiting on the couch. She stood up suddenly after spotting me.

"What's goin' on?" I asked suspiciously.

"I'm moving out, Ichigo," she said with sadness. I just continued to stare at her in confusion. "I don't know what we're doing anymore," she began to explain. "We're together, but we're not. It's not going anywhere." She was upset. I know she was.

"So, you're just gonna pack up and leave?"

"I love you, Ichigo. I do. I just don't think I'm _in_ love with you anymore."

I took in a deep breath and looked down at the floor with my hands in my pockets. I knew what she meant. I felt the same way. In a way, I might have always felt that way. We cared about each other. It got to a point where we just stuck; like bugs in wet concrete. And Nel knew that we needed to get out before we were stuck there forever.

"I know," I said softly. "I'll still miss you."

She nodded rapidly as she began to cry. She made her way over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "I'll call you," she said before kissing me on the cheek and walking toward the door. She left. And I understood why. What was the point? I was wasting her time. Of course I was hurt, but I wasn't bitter; I wasn't in a state of not bathing and eating cereal out of the box for a week while I watched _Friends _on the couch; which by the way, Ross was right. They were on a break. I just had to get that off my chest. If you get that reference, you get a gold star.

I was still a walking mess from Uryuu. Nel didn't affect me much because I already was at the bottom of the pit. After she left, I stopped being as busy. I'd come home, sit in silence and crack open a few beers. I'd usually pass out somewhere.

It had probably been a week or two before I came home after leaving my cell at home by accident when I left for work. I ended up having a voice message. Going into the fridge, I popped off the cap to a beer and took a swig as I listened to the message.

"_Hey, buddy! It's Tatsuki! I was hopin' I'd catch you, but I guess you're busy. I was just callin' to see how you were. Also, I don't know if you could spare yourself a week or two, but you should definitely come on over. You seem more like a California man to me anyway. Really consider it! We can buy a few bottles of champagne and get ourselves into more trouble. Okay, pal. Hope to hear from ya soon!"_

I couldn't help a small smile hearing my old friend's voice. But it quickly fell. I'd probably never get out there to see her. I was probably never going to go further than ten blocks from my apartment. After a few beers, I found myself on the floor with my back against the fridge door. I guess I didn't want to go too far from the rest of the beer. I just stared ahead of me in silence. What was I doing with my life? I wasn't moving anywhere. I was legit sitting on the floor, washing my life away with a few brewskies. The only human contact I used to have was with Nel. I no longer had that. Even my parents barely heard from me. My mood was rocketing toward the center of the earth. I started to lose myself. Again.

Looking down at my phone with disgust and sorrow for my life, I dialed the last contact.

"_Hey, it's Uryuu. I can't answer the phone, but I'll try to get back to ya somehow. Talk to me."_

I swallowed the ball in my throat. "Hey, bud," I started with a mix of pain and cheerfulness. "I'm just callin' 'cause I really want to talk to you," I paused and swallowed again. "Ya see, I'm not doin' too good. I'm kinda lost here," I stopped to let my jaw tremble. "You were there when I needed help. You saw through me and pushed," I closed my eyes tightly and flared my nostrils. "But you're not here anymore. You're gone," I whispered into the phone. "I kept you out of my life, all because I was embarrassed of myself; of my failures. I pushed you away because of my insecurities!" I took a few deep breaths. "I took you for granted. And I wanted to say that I'm sorry." I waited a moment before chuckling. "The sad part is that I feel like I'd know what you'd say to me right now. You'd tell me, 'Stop apologizing. You don't think I know you well enough to not take crap like that personally? You're still and always will be a toolbag.' Then you'd flash a winning smile like we were competing in the conversation." I chuckled again before letting the smile fall. "Maybe you've taught me something and it took me this long to notice it. Maybe… despite how much I hate the word; maybe the strength we get from the ones we care about, teaches us how to wake up the next morning; to keep going. Maybe it takes people like you, in the lives of fuck ups like me, to prove that they can make it through and have worth; that _I_ have worth. It's because of people like you… that I'm still here." My jaw began to tremble again. "And that isn't fair," I said fiercely. "You saved me and I couldn't save you?" I exclaimed. I took a long deep breath. "You deserved so much more time," I whispered. "Maybe I should have become a scientist. I'd be able to go back before anything went wrong. I'd be able to save you." I smiled sadly. I knew it wasn't fair. But Rukia was right back then; there wasn't anything I could do about it. As much as I wished there was.

"Something has to change, doesn't it? You'd probably say, 'Change isn't always a bad thing, ya know.' And I'd say, 'Well it isn't always a good thing either.' And we'd bicker back and forth for a bit before one of us said something witty and smirked past the finish line… And after explaining all of that, you'd call me an asshole right about now." I laughed and paused for a few seconds. "But you'd be right. Change is what I need." I swallowed hard. "I promise to check up on Orihime and the kids all the time. Your kids are gonna need someone to tell them the difference between _Marvel_ and _D.C. Comics_," I said with a pathetic smile as my eyes began to water. "I'm gonna miss you, man." I sniffed as a tear ran down my cheek. "Goodbye, Uryuu," I said so softly that I barely heard myself say it. I hung up the phone. I did it. I let him go. I cried for a bit on the floor. I finally let it out. I knew he wouldn't get back to me. I'm not a loony idiot. But some small part of me thought maybe he'd give me some mythical spiritual sign one day; just to tell me, 'Hey, asshole. I got you.'

It was this point in my life when I truly believed I had grown up. I thought it was the moment at graduation when I stepped out into the real world, but no. You don't grow up through monumental moments that approach at a particular time. It's what you go through, how you deal with certain events, being able to take the bad and continue walking. I guess I would agree with Peter Pan. If I could, I would have never grown up. But being shielded from the pain of life is only a fairy tale.

But even though you can't live in a fairy tale, it doesn't mean you have to live in a nightmare. It didn't have to be the way it was for me. I could have something better. I could _live_. I could live for myself. I could live for Uryuu. I was _alive_. I think so many people forget that about themselves. They're still breathing; that's enough to push through anything. For everyone who lost their life before their time was due, live for them. And eventually, I think you'd realize that you want to live for yourself too.

I started going out more. Co-workers asked me to go to the bar, I'd go see a movie, and I'd go for walks and take in the sun. I worked harder at work. Maybe a promotion would finally come my way.

Three weeks passed after my phone call to Uryuu. Nothing at work changed fast enough for me. I found myself staring at my computer in my tiny cubicle. A sudden urge to run out of the door came over me. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want this life anymore. It wasn't meant for me. So I stood up, threw what I wanted into a box I kept under my desk, picked up my over the shoulder bag and walked to my boss' office. "I quit," I said sticking my head in the door and giving a wave before leaving the building forever. I got into my car; a smile plastered on my face as I began to drive home. By the time I got there, I sat in the driver seat. I got out of the car, and started walking. I wasn't sure where, but I picked a direction and went.

Now we're all caught up in the story. Let's start where I originally began this delightful tale of exuberating love between individuals that succeed in everything they do…

Walking down the street makes everything seem surreal. I'm getting places. Literally, yes, but my life is on a promising road; which is also a pun. The air's clear and breathing in iss a natural high. The smile is understandably placed across my face. I made it back to my old college campus. This is the first time I've come back here since graduation. It's not what I always thought it would be. It didn't bring back bad memories. I feel warmed somehow. Like that life is embracing me, finally.

Now, there comes a point in your life when you are so completely involved with the world around that you lose any coherent functioning when presented with the unexpected. And that moment for me was right now. Ahead of me on the sidewalk, walking toward me was Rukia. I'd recognize her anywhere. Her hair's longer than I remembered, but once those deep violet eyes locked with mine, I was gone.

She paused in her tracks. I came to a halt because of it. Her initial sense of shock vanished faster than I anticipated. Instead, a look of adoration took its place. And my heart melted.

"Hi," her mouth ushered softly. It was the most wonderful thing I had heard in so long. I swallowed in order to find my voice. I barely heard myself say, "Hey."

"How are you?" she said so sweetly. Everything begins to ache. My heart pulled deeper into my chest. Apparently I'm not as good as I was a minute ago.

"I'm doing pretty well," I replied. I'm not lying. She wasn't asking how I'm doing at this precise moment. It's a very general question. Besides, no one really tells the truth for this kind of greeting anyway. "What about you?"

"I'm good," she said with a small smile as she nodded. I couldn't believe it. She's actually talking to me. She's actually _looking_ at me. And it's not because of some tragedy either! How am I supposed to feel? My emotions are so mixed. I'm so thrilled this is happening. I've wanted this for so long. It's something I spent far too long hoping for. But another part of me is wondering why she thought she could just walk up to me with a smile and ask me how I was. It's almost as if none of it ever happened. That she hadn't been ignoring me for years. But the look in her eyes tells me it did. There in her dark violets rests a pain I know very well. Seeing it now gives me a whole different kind of ache. It's the realization that it wasn't as one-sided as I thought. And that it's now too late. The shine of a ring held by her finger caught my eye. She's already promised to someone else.

"Where are you off to?" she added after a moment of too long silence.

I gave out a chuckle. "Well, actually," I rubbed the back of my neck in amusement. "I just quit my job and I'm going for a walk."

Her eyebrows rose. "Wow. I'm… sorr-" she begins before I cut her off by holding out my hands to stop her.

"No, no! I've got better plans for myself. I think I'm actually gonna get out of here. Move to California or something." I smiled more to myself. Tatsuki would be happy to hear. "What about you? Where are you headed?"

"I walk through here every day on my way home from work." I nodded and smiled. She let out a single chuckle and gave me a look of curiosity. "You… seem so… alive. Like the boy I used to know way back when." She gave a smile lined with sadness. _Used to know_. That makes my chest tear open. We don't know each other anymore, do we? We're just two people part of a past. Nothing more.

"So, who's the lucky man?" I forced a smile as I nodded toward her hand.

Her face showed surprise. "Oh, he- uh, it's Kaien. He proposed about two months ago," she explained in a manner I thought to be quite awkward.

Kaien. Someone she never saw herself with when I still existed in her life. Someone who waited long enough for her to come around. And now she's his. She isn't mine. Although, she was never really mine to begin with, was she?

"Congratulations," I said gently with what I hope was a sweet smile.

"Thanks," she replied, avoiding eye contact.

Silence enveloped itself around us. "I-…" I cut myself off. I want to say so much, yet I don't know exactly what it is. My mind knows of no words, but that useless chest organ that has the ability to ache and swell knows exactly what to say. But how can the me that exists now speak for the me that existed then?

"Were you going to say something?" she asked almost hopeful. Her eyes wide.

"Uh, no." I smiled convincingly and sighed as she seemed to exhale the air stuck in her lungs.

"Well, I guess I should probably get going then…" she inferred casually.

I begin to panic. Is it over? Would nothing come of this spontaneous meeting? This couldn't be it… right?

But then, all of a sudden, something makes sense. Here we are; the place I've taught myself to hate through the years. And there we were. I could almost see the younger versions of us standing there on the sidewalk. All I ever wanted was to be back there. But who made the decision that the here and now can't be the then and there? You can make the present whatever you want it to be. Everything is in your hands. So I can have it back. I can have that happiness.

She steps closer and wraps her arms around my neck. She held me for a moment before my mind finally registered to wrap my arms around her as well. Her embrace is gentle, but firm. It's warm and comforting. This is it! This is my chance! And then, the faintest whisper graces my ear. "I'm so sorry, Ichigo… for everything." Her breath is dancing across my skin, taking the words away by finally leaping into the wind. This is definitely it! This is the moment everything I want would come back to me. "I've loved you all this time… I've never been so sure of anything in my life." And just like that, the breeze swept those words away as well.

She pulls away and stares gently into my eyes. Her watery violets glisten in the sunlight. "Goodbye, Ichigo." She stares into my eyes for one last moment, and then turns around. I watch as she walks away. Now, I've seen her walk away many times before. Most of the memorable occasions were when she walked out of my life. But this one's different. She isn't running off stage like I'm so used to. She's taking a final bow. She apologized and confessed what she had been denying for so long. It put my scars at ease and somehow broke through something. Here I am, having what I had then. I have happiness, finally.

I turn around and begin walking again. I don't know where I'm going. I'm just walking. Till this day, I've thought back to that night when she confessed. I've thought about ways I could have responded differently; ways that could have changed everything. But I was told once not to live in 'what ifs'. What happened, happened. And this is the moment I've strived for. This is what moving on feels like, isn't it? Everything happens for a reason; I firmly believe that. The reasons for having to go through all of this? To be honest, I have no fucking idea. At least right now I don't. But I can safely say I survived it all. Now here comes the moral, so brace yourself for the fun family lesson. You're going to be okay; in any sense of the word. So when a bag of flaming shit drops on your doorstep, don't be afraid to stomp it out. Of course it'll leave a stench, but nothing lasts forever. Poetic, aren't I? People say don't be afraid of death. I say, don't be afraid of life… or shit in a bag.

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><p>The End. That was an intense journey. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Leave me your last thoughts. I'll try to respond to them this time.<p> 


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